31 may 2012

if i wanted you to know, i would tell you. if you were to somehow find out, well, it's not like i could stop you from knowing, but still, that doesn't mean that i want you to know. now, the thing is, it is not a secret, so you could easily find out if you wanted to find out. or, you could even just hear it somewhere. but, still, that doesn't mean that i want you to know.

30 may 2012

it's easy to say that you won't give up
when you are at the beginning,
but the time that it matters that you won't give up
is when you are at the end
of the line,
at the end of your rope,
and you're all out of time,
and you're all out of hope.
you don't know where to turn.
you don't know how to cope.
and, that's when it matters, my friend.

29 may 2012

if i wanted to let myself,
i could get angry
about the way you left.

you got lazy, let down your guard,
and the demons snuck in
and snatched your soul.

i am better than that.
i am vigilant.
i won't go the way you did.

you, with your ceaseless desires,
your endless need for more.
your innate inability to just say no.

me desirously eyeing normalcy
while pretending to be content
with dysfunction and oddity.

in the end, you just couldn't stop yourself, though.
could you?
you just couldn't stop yourself.

you, wanting so badly to go.
me, wanting so badly for you to stay.
both of us, wanting beyond want...

i get angry. you get lazy.
i am proud. you are lusty.
i envy. you crave.
and both of us, gluttons.

do
you miss me
like
i miss you?

28 may 2012

we've had a busy weekend. the wastebins are filled with dry cleaning bags and bits of gift wrap. the countertops are covered with unsorted mail, unread newspapers, unwanted souvenirs. my brain is brimming... too much small talk with family, too many meals with strangers.

the detritus of socialisation is cluttering my soul.

27 may 2012

is love an attitude or a feeling? or, a choice? can there be love at first sight? can love be learned? is it possible to love something ugly? to love that which hates you? to love unconditionally? can love grow from patience? can love grow patient? can love grow? if love is kind, is kindness love? does love preclude fighting? can true love falter? does love last forever?

26 may 2012

can someone tell me what's going on here? cigarettes, teacups, a gourd? it's like a really bad where's waldo.

24 may 2012

there were four of us:
prince alex, me (ace), decartes, sweet baby james.
we sort of took care of each other
but of course we didn't really know how.
i mean, we knew about food
and baths
and wear shoes in the driveway.
we could do algebra, change a tire, tie a tie.
we had the basics down pat,
and from the outside we looked normal.
yeah, from the outside, we pretty much looked normal.
maybe not 100% but at least as normal as other families...
well, most of them anyway.

23 may 2012

i was going to tell you about what's going on at work but it's sort of kafkaesque and surreal. not that you wouldn't be interested in surreality but by its nature it is difficult to explain. the summary is: why do people have to be that way? i mean, c'mon. we're adults here. stop acting like teenagers.

that's all i've got.

22 may 2012

"creature of habit" has such a negative vibe. i mean, firstly, i am not a creature. and secondly, just because i've found specific things that i enjoy to do at regular intervals doesn't make them habits. i like to come to starbucks and sit in the bestest chair and write notes to you. are you complaining about my note-writing? and, sure, if the bestest chair is taken, i am not generally what you would call "happy" about that, but jeez, it's the bestest for a reason. i mean, it's not like i have unaccountably latched onto it. the bestest chair is an armchair that faces the door, back to the wall. who likes people behind them all breathing down their neck? no one, that's who. what i'm saying is that it's not my unsubstantiatedly random favorite chair - it is everyone's favorite chair. it's just that good. but it's not like i have to come to starbucks every day. it's not like if i come here, i have to sit in the bestest chair. it's not even like i feel compelled to write to you every time. sometimes i come here and read a book and don't pay you any mind at all. ha! you didn't even know that.

alls i am saying is liking to do certain things in certain ways doesn't make those things habits, and it certainly doesn't make me a creature.

21 may 2012

it's a murder, not a cocktail party,
and you've parked the car like a girl.
put that phone away, don't you know anything?
can't take you anywhere.
does it feel hot in here?
there's a yellow cab, just at the intersection,
there at the traffic light.
flag it down, would you?
we'll go uptown. we'll go right now.
take a train out of the city,
have an ice cream, sitting pretty.
bring your girlfriend. she's a looker.
yeah, we like her.
she's a friendly one, she is.
we'll be together, in a yellow cab
with your girlfriend
and her yellow lab.
it's a nice day to throw a frisbee in the parc
with that dog there after dark.
we should never be apart.
we should never be apart,
you and i.

20 may 2012

i know i told you i was a girl scout. sometimes i think you people are just not listening to me at all. i was a brownie first, then girl scout. the brownie initiation involved a mirror on the floor in a setup that was supposed to look like a pond which was way cooler than it sounds. badges, cookies, overnight campouts. i went to girl scout camp before i went to summercamp, and there we swam in a pool and slept in a big room with a linoleum floor and ate our meals in a lodge type of building most memorable for its infestation of stinging insects. one year i was a squadron leader or whatever the hell they call it, and that year, we spent one night in a cave, and what i remember most about the trip to the cave is that we took several candy bars apiece as energy food. i never sold the most cookies but i never sold the least. i always wanted to earn more badges but was unaccountably stymied and regret to this day my inability to complete the required checklists. on meeting days we would all wear our uniforms to school, so you always knew who the girl scouts were. once, my bff and i led the pledge of allegiance at a PTA meeting, and we wore our uniforms for that, too. we were supposed to spend the time after the pledge sitting quietly in the library until the PTA meeting was over, but we went instead into the boys' bathroom which seemed like quite the dare, but turned out it was just the same as the girls' except with these weird extra sinks.

19 may 2012

after a point, stress makes me sleepy. up to that precise point, i get jumpy, twitchy, fidgety, but then i hit that tipping point and bam! hibernation mode. it's probably similar to what happens to people who are depressed except it's without the sadness. there's a certain mellowness that follows the twitchmania, but from what i understand of depressions, it's not the same. i'm not sad. i do care. but there's a sort of detachment that takes place, almost an out-of-body thing. i am not engaged at the same level, no longer feel stressed, and fall victim to a bit of narcolepsy. i am sure it's a coping mechanism, but it can be a bit inconvenient because what stresses me is when there are more than a few front-burner projects requiring my active engagement. not a good time for being overly sleepy.

for example, i am currently interviewing for a promotion that would include moving from a work team of which i have been a member for over 15 years and which is itself in the midst of a transition. so, even staying in that department would be stressful, but add that i am considering leaving... well, there's this sort of traitorous dimension to interviewing for a new job. yeah, sure, i deserve a promotion and anyone would go for it. i'm not saying it's logical -- emotions usually are not. alls i am saying is that scheming a betrayal is stressful. besides the work stuff there's family death, family marriage, and family moving hundreds of miles across north america. there's the mortgage refinance and home renovation project we're launching. there's trying to balance exercise (read: running) with staying uninjured.

okay, okay. it's a litany that anyone could sing. we all have stuff going on. i realise that and i am not complaining about a full life. not at all.

alls i am saying is that if you need me for anything, please wake me gently.

18 may 2012

her name was jennifer.
her hair was long,
down her back in a cascade of blonde.
it was the summer.
she was young.
the skies were blue as her eyes -
each day a song, a surprise.
her name was jennifer.
her hair was long.

his name was jefferson.
his skin was brown
as a walnut from the tree on the ground.
it was the summer.
he was young.
the air was warm as his eyes -
each day a song, a surprise.
his name was jefferson.
his skin was brown.

it was a small town
and people didn't understand.

17 may 2012

and so, it was only natural that i become curious about her. i pondered mostly on how she came to be in my path that day, which is of course me wondering why i was to be the one to find her. why me, why me. but in the course of the why-me's i naturally began to wonder, why her. why was she the one who was there, in that place, in that manner. did she commit some offence or fall victim to the offence of another, or was it merely a random chance in her life that landed her in that circumstance. of course, there's small hope i would ever learn her story. there were no clues at the scene, and she certainly cannot tell me anything at all, being as she is... a kitten.

16 may 2012

star star
way up thar
i would put you in a jar
if you warr
down harr
stead of up thar

when it rains i like to go outside, jump in the puddles. you can't spend your life worrying about wet shoes.

you probably know a mr brown, mr grey, mr black, white, green, gold. but do you know a mr blue, mr orange, mr red, yellow, purple, bronze? who decides which colours qualify as names?

the portuguese word for peanut is amendoim. rotten peanut is amendoim podre. peanut butter is manteiga de amendoim. nutella is nutella.

if you think things can't get worse, you're probably wrong. if you think things are going to get better, you're probably right.

shepherd's pie isn't a pie per se, but more of a meat and vegetable casserole with mashed potatoes on top, with no crust, hence not actually a pie.

the movie 'the sound of music' is based on a true story.

choosing to stay awake through the night for a party is fun or for work can be rewarding. courting sleep that eludes you through the night, not so much with the fun nor the rewards.

why do so many of us live in box-shaped houses?

15 may 2012

inside, the music's on that decibel level where you have to talk over it, and they are, and the result is a madding mélange of frantic technojazz peppered with snippets of jittery, caffeine-fueled conversation. "been too long!" and "how you been?" and the nervous laughter of folks who should know each other, or used to know each other, but simply ran out of lifespace for anything more than a coffee-shop connection.

so i came outside to sit with the smokers and listen to the light rush of the late traffic flowing home down the suburban road that winds around this starbucks. my starbucks. and you know what? i like it here. i like this generic starbucks in this archetypal suburb. i like it here, on this porch in this evening with these smokers, the smell of her herbal essence mixing with his marlboros into scent reminiscent of a state fair midway, soft and hard at the same time, kind and cruel.

that's suburbia... kind and cruel. the monotony will wear you down and the petty politics will wind you up, but in the end it's just life here like it's just life anywhere. you can let it get to you, and fight it, and you'll end up drunk every night scheming of some ephemeral betterness. or, you can let it really get to you, let it reach you, and then maybe you'll come on out here with me and the smokers, and we'll make some lifespace for the simple joy of watching the cars going by.

14 may 2012

and then i thought to myself, i should call and tell her how happy i am to be slated for the canoeing dock for summercamp this year and how we need to plan for her to come visit me there. then, i remembered she's dead.

that's how it works. unabated oppressive remembrance pocked by periodic bouts of fleeting amnesia, amnesia so quick that the forgetting is over before you remember that you forgot, and all you're left with is the eternal remembering. the forgetfulness has flown and you're lucky if you see the tail of it's trenchcoat as it turns the corner of your mind, speeding its way down the axon-hall to do its dirtywork on the list of groceries you were supposed to pick up on the way home.

forget what you want to remember, remember what you want to forget.

13 may 2012

you can say
it is a day
like any other day
but that depends
on how you define
any

12 may 2012

just when i start to feel that i might be okay without you.
just when i think i can quit you forever.
just when i believe i can move on and not think about you anymore.

just then...
you meet me there on the road.
and, you are gentle again.
and, you take it slow.
and, you make me feel strong.
and, you restore my confidence.
and, you make happy in a way that i am never quite able to be without you.

just when i start to think i will get away, you draw me back in.
and i hate you for it.

and i love you for it.

11 may 2012

the grass was that dark green of july, when it's not so much growing anymore as simply surviving the swelter, but it was early and the heat hadn't built yet and the blades were cool against her bare soles as she walked out to the mailbox to retrieve today's newspaper and yesterday's allotment of to-occupant glossies. there was a circular from the national grocery chain and one of those slick enthusiastic postcards from the enterprising young dentist who'd moved to town last february. if you asked her, she'd tell you she wished she was not just another anonymous neighbor to the enterprising young dentist, but when a man is interested in teeth, it's difficult to attract his attention when you haven't got a one in your head.

10 may 2012

i c u 8 a b!

s, i 8 a b.

o! r u ok?

s, i m. i m ok.

u f 8 a b b4?

i 8 a b b4, s. u f 8 a b 2?

i f 8 0 b! y u 8 a b?

y? m s xl! u 1 f a b?

ok. i m f a b.

ok!

9 may 2012

is it such a shame we only see each other a funerals? wouldn't it be worse to never see each other at all? i mean, i didn't know that thing about how he bought you paint so you could create a football field in your own backyard. that's pretty damn sweet, man. who lets their kid do that, much less encourages it? damn. pluswise, man, you're funny and you tell a good story and that shit about the endzone markers? priceless! you're a natural engineer is what you are. and a good husband and father. a stand up guy. yeah, sure. it's a shame we only see each other at funerals, but it's a farsight better than never at all.

8 may 2012

here are four things that are bugging the hell out of me. i mean, you could call them pet peeves but the whole "pet" thing makes it sound like a fluffy ball of fluff or somesuch... stupid. make that five things bugging the hell out of me. anyway, here goes.

"fify" - people think it is so funny to quote you on an internet message board or other such place and change your quote and put "fify" like they "fixed it for ya" as if they've improved on your quote or made fun of your quote or smashed their cuteness all over your quoteface or i don't know what the hell people are doing really because if you have something to say, just say it for crissakes.

pulling in front on a right turn - this is become rampant. what the hell people? if you are trying to make a right turn, wait until the coast is clear. i don't know how to make this any more simple: look to your left... is a car coming? well then STAY PUT YOU IDIOT. wait until the coast. is. clear.

inane email subject lines - i've said it before and i'll say it again: what the hell people? "question" is not a subject. "status", "project status", "checking in" - all also NOT SUBJECTS. c'mon. how about a little more info, such as what the hell project you are checking on. you think i have only one project going? hah! on the opposite end of the too-little-info subject is the entire-email-in-subject subject. "please stop by my desk when you get a chance." or "i have finished the files and can take more if you have some ready just bring them by my desk." NOT A SUBJECT LINE!

air quotes - what the hell people? c'mon.

7 may 2012

three days ago i was telling her about how i have 30 days to decide if i like my new tires and how i used to have performance tires but these new ones are touring tires and how the difference boils down to the touring tires are for a smoother ride at consistent speed over long distance, as on the freeway, and the performance tires are built for driving fast through turns.

she laughed and said, "like YOU would ever drive fast... ha!"

what the hell?

27 days. plenty of time to get me some of those performance treads.

6 may 2012

i believe in creation and in evolution,
in free will and predestination,
in life and death,
and contradiction,
and uncertainty.
i believe that when we die we go nowhere,
and we go everywhere.
i believe in heaven and hell and the circle of life.
i believe that when i am up against the wall and i don't see
any way out,
that if i wait, i will be rescued
by the constancy of change,
and whatever i face
will come to its end
in its time.
i believe i have the freedom to choose my own path,
will my own way,
forge my own destiny,
and i believe there is an intelligence that already knows
what i will choose
at every fork and at every turn
and that knowing what i will choose is not the same as choosing
for me.
i believe that if i align my desires with the desires of the universe, that the universe will give me everything that i desire because everything i desire will be everything the universe was going to give me if my desires were not aligned with the universe but that when i align my desires, i will perceive that i receive a blessing.
i believe in irony and perspective
and diving in and taking part.
but above all,
and underlying everything,
i believe one thing with all my being,
and i believe this with a belief that begets knowledge
and so what i believe becomes what i know
and this i know with complete and utter certainty:
i know for certain
that
i don't know anything for certain.

5 may 2012 (bonus)

someone died yesterday. it was an accident, sudden, dramatic. he was a blood relative, but i hardly knew him... closer on paper than in life. he was not a particularly nice man, but he was never specifically unkind to me. so, i am confused, surprised, tired, and overwhelmed by an unwillingness to participate in the hassle of arrangements.

5 may 2012

this post has been removed by the author.

4 may 2012

strangers say, each to the other,
"tell me a little bit about yourself."
and then they answer by rote,
a sort of name-rank-serial of the tired civilian,
"i am a ___. i work at ___. i live in ___."
as if our occupations define us,
as if our environments reveal us.

when i tell you where i work,
the tasks at which i daily toil,
the address of my home...
when i tell you the demographics of my life,
you know me no better.

these are merely trappings.

i am me.

because i read a tree grows in brooklyn when i was twelve, i have in my closet a coffee can filled with loose change. the man from snowy river is my all-time favorite movie. i savor the smell of wood smoke on a cold day and citronella on a hot day. i like to put olives in my cottage cheese.

if you let me
i will love the how of you,
the why of you,
the who of you.
if you let me
i will love you in my own way,
and it will be
forever.

3 may 2012

lately all my thoughts are coming out in iambs
and i am really sick of the result-

ing singing-songing way that everything is sounding
i want to shut that door and get it bolt-

ed tight to hold the thoughts in all their rightful places
and keep the poetry where it belongs

in songs

and children's books

but not out here

go 'way

leave me alone

2 may 2012

you always say you will
then you don't
i really think you can
you just won't

it wouldn't be that hard if you would go ahead and do it
you're stronger than you think
you can power through it

you always say you will
then you don't
i really think you can
you just won't

there'll never be a better day to carpe than today
you're brave enough to do this
put your tears away

you always say you will
then you don't
i really think you can
you just won't

1 may 2012

so

far



so far


away



you
seem so


far
away



so far


away

from




me


away
from
me





but - give me just a moment

and i
will bring you close
and i
will see your face
and i
will feel your touch
and i

and i

and i
will taste


you





give me a moment

just a moment


and i
will be
with you




(for the first time)