30 apr 2012

confusion
a product of delusion
or possible pollution
(cranial in nature)

conclusion
a product of elution
or possible contusion
(cranial in nature)

look inside your head right now
dig in there and figure out
what the options are and then
you can sort them out again

as it stands you'll never know
how to choose the way to go
how to understand the choices
you listen to too many voices

confusion
a product of delusion
or possible pollution
(cranial in nature)

conclusion
a product of elution
or possible contusion
(cranial in nature)

29 apr 2012

i heard a story on NPR this morning about how mid-level artistic jobs have been hard hit by the economic downturn. this type of job is generally at a small workplace or is a small part of staff at a large business, so when these people lose their jobs it's not like a big-news factory closing. i know an architect and a graphic designer who've both been laid off in the past three years, both due to the separate small businesses for which they worked suffering a decline. how many architects and graphic designers are laid off each year in a normal economy? what is a normal economy? it's difficult to put things in context. NPR tells us things are worse these days on this artistic middle class, the working artists. the celebrity artists are doing fine and the starving artist will always exist. when we think of artist, we usually think of singer, dancer, painter, sculptor, writer -- the obvious artist, you know. but there are dozens of thousands of creative workers sort of stashed away here and there in marketing, book design, architecture, magazine editing, freelance writing. how are they doing, really? and it is any worse than usual?

28 apr 2012

i tried reading that hedgehog book and just couldn't do it. the writing is dense and dickensian. i don't need that in my life. every statement is Important and Weighty. jeez. get over yourselves already. i read a few pages and then didn't pick it up for like, 2 weeks. i dreaded opening it because reading it was a chore. it's one thing to be challenged by writing. that's like a chore because it can be work, but it is rewarding. this was simply a rote chore without reward. the story was being told in two first person parts. i assume the two come together at some point, but it's muchly the type of pointless book in which that might not happen. both were unhappy, but in neither case was there any incentive to care about their discontent. they were in no way sympathetic. the young girl was mildly amusing, but way to think-y to really hold the reader's attention.

it's the very sort of book that garners the laud with which this one was showered. the sort of book which makes folks think they must be smart to be able to hang onto the thread of the story, and that the writer must be even smarter to piece something like this together. the fundamental misunderstanding is that smart people will communicate in ways that hinder our understanding them - that simply because they are smart, they will communicate at an inaccessible level. in reality, truly smart people communicate in ways that enhance our understanding.

26 apr 2012

25 apr 2012

every time i look, it is the same.
every time i look, i want to change it.
every time i look, it is the same but it should change.
every time i look, it is the same.

every where i go, it is the same.
every where i go, i want to change it.
every where i go, it is the same but it should change.
every where i go, it is the same.

every thing i hear, it is the same.
every thing i hear, i want to change it.
every thing i hear, it is the same but it should change.
every thing i hear, it is the same.

every one i see, it is the same.
every one i see, i want to change it.
every one i see, it is the same but it should change.
every one i see, it is the same.

every way i turn, it is the same.
every way i turn, i want to change it.
every way i turn, it is the same but it should change.
every way i turn, it is the same.

24 apr 2012

i know two people going through divorce right now. not two people married to each other. no. it's two people married to two other people.

one is a 20something girl who's been married less than a year. the other's a 40something guy who's been married many years. the two don't know each other. i don't know the husband of the first or the wife of the latter.

both the 20something and the 40something say the same thing, though, when you ask them why they're choosing this road. they say it's because the road they had chosen was the wrong one. they both realised the person to whom they were married was such a poor match that they had to get out of the sitch.

it's a shame they couldn't have had a clearer view of things sooner in the process, and not gone down this road in the first place, but... it is what it is. i mean, we're all flawed, right? we've all got our blind spots. we all do things that we think the world expects of us or that seem right at the time. we all make mistakes, muddle through, make the best of things.

did you ever do something different - change your hair, your job, your lifemate, your wallpaper, whatever - and the people around you all say, "it's about time. that other _______ was terrible for you!" do you think they should have told you sooner? i don't know how that would work, really. sometimes, you can't tell people stuff. they just have to find out for themselves.

23 apr 2012

good god i hate the new blogger. the icons are half off my screen and there's no way to resize it. the text box is disconcertingly large. there's no horiz scroll bar. there's no vert scroll bar. the post settings are inyourface. there's no way to customize. it's completely stuck on stupid mode.

modified:
i found a way to go back to the old interface. it is not possible to explain the relief at being able to SEE the pieces that are on the page. unless they change new blogger to allow resizing the page, i don't think i will be able to use it. the icons being half cut off and not being able to see the bottom of the comment box is just way too disconcerting.

22 apr 2012

there is less risk of injury in jumping ones motorcycle over the grand canyon than in trusting ones heart to another.

21 apr 2012

i spent like 6 hours working on this today and i do not mean like 6 hours with breaks. no! i mean like six hours with like one break to pee! 6 hours!! it doesn't even take me that long to run a freaking marathon!!! and in case you can't tell, THIS PIECE IS STILL NOT FINISHED!!! stupid ace, thinking it would be like a 6 hour project!!!! BAHHAHA!!!!! i laugh at you, ace!!!!!! HA!!!!!! you, and your idiocy!!!!!! I LAUGH!!!!!!!







guess i know what i'll be doing tomorrow... sheesh.

20 apr 2012

the power lies with the wisher. sure, sure, the djinny has the ability to grant wishes, but that's not power. the power is in the choice. selfish to frivolous to generous to wise - all wishes originate with the wisher. the wisher decides.

three wishes.

i could burn through three wishes pretty quickly: world love. world health. world joy. most people would wish for world peace, but i am thinking that love and health and joy would lead to peace. if you are happy and have enough to eat and love your neighbor, what's there to fight about?

but there's something about the process that disallows that sort of wish. like, you can't wish for something beyond the djinny's ability or somesuch. makes sense of course because although the wisher has the power to choose, that power's not unbounded. the limits of the power are the djinny's abilities.

i would suppose some djinnies have more abilities than others. it's only logical. however, i don't believe that any of them can do those big, worldwide wishes. the wisher has to pick something smaller, more personal.

i might wish for blogger to give me the old-style blogger back. it's more change for the sake of change and it makes yet another perfectly serviceable software less accommodating of my hardware. the thing i dislike most about new blogger is the feeling that i cannot see the "bottom". i don't know if that's just the small screen... but i think it's on all screens. the box is too big!

but, i digress.

i might wish for the ability to play drums or fluency in portuguese. i wonder if a djinny can give me a skill. i sort of think not. i think djinnies can only give you a material possession. so i guess i could get a drum kit and a rosetta stone total-E portuguese edition, but those would just be me wishing more work on myself. maybe the drum kit...

so, where are we? a drum kit.

i would really like 5 more pairs of new balance NB769. i think that's the model number, but of course i would be sure before i WISH for them. i have had a ton of running shoes through the years, but these are the overall best and of course NB doesn't actually make them anymore. perhaps i want 5 pairs of brand new shoes just like the ones i love. if i wish for 5 NB769, i might get 5 old pairs that people threw out. ick!

so? a drum kit and 5 pair of NB769.

not really adventurous, eh? perhaps i should wish for everything i need to hike the appalachian trail, including all the gear and the paid time off work. yeah, that's a good one. as a matter of fact, i will make that wish #1, and i'll save #2 and #3 until I am on the trail, facing a bear or whatnot, so that i can wish that beast away!

19 apr 2012

whenever we go to the car parts store or the home depot, i enjoy to purchase myself a li'l sumsum. he gives me grief because he says i give in to the impulse buys, but it's not an impulse if i am shopping for the li'l sumsum, is it now? no, it is not. i have found numerous treasures such as the flat pencils with sharpener, the magnetic extension rod, the miniature tape measure, and my latest find: the screwdriver disguised as an inkpen! it's like stealth hardware. stealth! hardware! yeah, he gives me a hard time, sure, but i can tell he looks forward to seeing what i will come up with. it's the wee tiny adventures that are the very spice of life.

18 apr 2012

up the path went up the kids went up the path
down again the other side went they
moon it set then sun it rose then sun it set
up the path went up the kids that day

17 apr 2012

i am in my most comfortable clothes sitting in the bestest chair at starbux having my favorite fancy coffee drink for free. except for the group of six 20somethings sitting basically in my lap, it's all good. the 20somethings are partially excused because one of them has a baby with her and he is called peter. they all keep going -- ooooo, peter! such a cute peter-peter! who's my little peter! haha. "peter". that's just funny, i don't care who you are.

16 apr 2012

back in september, someone sent me this link www.nytimes.com/2011/09/06/health/06annoy.html and asked if i knew anything about it. i couldn't believe it. i thought he was mocking me but when i asked why he sent it and he said because he thought his kid might have it and he just wanted to learn more about it. still, i was stunned because this article describes me to a T and not that i am surprised to learn that i am crazy. heavens no. i know i am crazy. what literally stunned me is that actual people really have this literally identical issue and the actual issue really has an actual name and real scientists literally study it. srsly.

wikipedia calls it 'hatred of sound' and describes it as decreased sound tolerance, which is putting it a bit mildly. there are entire classes of sound that i cannot bear and if i cannot get away from the source, i get mildly upset which can escalate to seriously angry.

i thought it was just eating sounds, because if you read that article, it's focused on eating sounds, but turns out that misophonia is broader than that and encompasses all the complaining i do about humming, whistling, popping gum, jingling change or jewelry, the sound of a spoon clinking against a bowl, and alison krauss's singing.

once when i was a kid, i was sitting on my bed counting my savings from my piggy bank. i remember it very clearly because the sound of the coins against each other was making me extremely uncomfortable. i had to muffle them with the bedclothes. now, someone jingling change in their pocket drives me mad. on the other hand, the sound of change in a cash register drawer doesn't bother me at all.

a band called postal service has a song containing a high-pitched tone. i'd heard the songs on a CD in the car and liked them, so i copied the entire postal service album to my ipod, but when that sound came into my ears, i could not get the headphones off fast enough. it was awful. one of my coworkers eats his lunch from a stoneware bowl with a metal spoon. clink. clink. clink. i have to put on headphones and listen to white noise just to calm down.

the reverse is that there are some everyday sounds that i completely adore. some people's voices are so soothing i almost forget to listen to what they are saying. i love the sound of a pencil softly scritching on paper or to listen to someone type or the sound of walking on gravel or cinder. i love in the movies when the sound is really magnified and you can hear things like someone putting on a tee shirt or tying their shoes. of course, if one of my fellow movie-goers is scrabbling around in their popcorn bag and munching on popcorn, that completely ruins the entire experience.

* sigh *

yeah, i am crazy. i get that. sure. that's fine.

i'm just glad to know it's not random crazy. it's real crazy - with a label!

15 apr 2012

well. i finished my income taxes and submitted them electronically. booyah. went to home depot and the grocery, fixed the week's lunches, did the dishes, played soccer, went with my mates for a coupla pints, and then received the email that the income tax submission was rejected. rejected?? what??? gah. so i opened the files and found the (possible) error and resubmitted. it was totally my bad and good on them to find it, but still a bit of a buzskill. maybe let's have some wine now, eh? yes. good.

14 apr 2012

i had such high hopes, but after spending two hours sorting papers this morning, i just couldn't face it anymore so i went for a run then got a taco salad and ate it watching merlin then took a shower then took a nap and here we are at teatime and we're meeting some folks to do a bit of shopping and get a bite to eat.

oh, well. there's always next week.

13 apr 2012

i knew i had the whole evening to myself so i had big plans to sit around watching merlins and eating cheez-its. on the way home i was like - yeah, this is gonna be great, little sumsum on teevee, little cheez-it ack-shone...

then, the voice spoke.

actually, it just sort of whispered. "you could clean the bathrooms, you know." i was all like - shut up, voice. and it was like, "well, you could, you know." so i turned away and pretended like i didn't hear it, but it came up from the other side. "you Really Should clean the bathrooms." should? Should?! what the hell happened to "could"? when did could become should??

i was all like - SHUT UP, VOICE!

but by now it could see it had me rattled. the voice can smell work ethic a mile away. "if you clean the bathrooms, you will enjoy the television show more because you will feel a sense of accomplishment. pluswise, i will keep bugging you until you do it." pluswise? hell, now the voice is all up in my lingo! but i knew it was right. i knew it would never leave me alone until i did the task, and even if doing the task itself wouldn't heighten my enjoyment of television-time, shutting up the voice sure the hell would.

so i did it.

i scrubbed the sinks and the tubs and the toilets and the floors. i cleaned the mirrors and faucets, shook out the rugs, emptied the trash, wiped off the freaking window sills for goshsakes. i was nearly done and starting to think about cheez-it-fest2012 when the voice goes - "ahem" and i was like - LAH LAH LAH CLEANING IS FUN LAH LAH LAH!!! "ahem." LAAAAAH LAAAAAH LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!

"you could vacuum, you know."

what the hell, voice! i worked all day at the office. you remember the office - it's the place where you're always with "wipe the coffee pot" and "reload the paper tray" and "answer the phone". i worked all day, voice. leave me alone!

"you should vacuum. you always vacuum when you clean the bathrooms. vacuuming will complete the task."

well, jeez, voice. wonder why i always vacuum when i clean the bathrooms?? could it be your annoying self with your annoying suggestions? huh? could it? huh huh huh??? "you should vacuum." mthrfckng voice. why don't YOU vacuum if it's such a great idea, eh?? "you sho--" FINE! fine fine finefinefineiwillvacuumifyouwillshutthehellUP!!!!

so i vacuumed.

when i got done and put away the vacuum and came in the kitchen to get the cheez-its, the voice saw all the dishes in the sink but i was too quick for it. i grabbed the cheez-its and ran.








(but... i do feel pretty good about having cleaned the bathrooms. just don't tell the voice, that self-righteous bastard.)

12 apr 2012

one of the points i meant to make yesterday was that organic and organise have the same root, but when i think about organic, i think of something that's disorganised. i mean, natural, sure, but something organic wouldn't be in straight little rows. organised items are in straight little rows. that's how i think about it, anyway.

so, i looked up "organic" and it means: of, related to, or derived from living matter. and i looked up "organise": arrange into a structured whole. then, i went to check out "organ" and of course it begins with stuff about the musical instrument, so i dug a bit deeper. an "organ" in biology is a grouping of tissues into a distinct structure. an organisation of organic matter, if you will. the origins of the word organ reach back into middle english and midieval latin, both of which use the word to mean tool or device, organ of the body, or musical instrument. the latin "organum" is derived from the greek "organon" meaning... tool.

this is going nowhere!

how can organic and organise both be derived from tool? is organisation a tool or do you use tools for organisation? i bought two new filing boxes today. they're tools for organisation. organisation organs? that sounds gross.

i kept going and found that organism, coined in the 1660s, means "organic structure, organisation". omg! organism means both organic and organisation. where's the ROOT CONNECTION!

i think when it comes down to the brass tacks, something that is organic isn't actually unorganised - it's just got a natural organisation that grows within it or that it grows within or that it is formed around. so organic is natural organisation, from within. organisation as we usually speak of it is imposed from without.

is this making any sense? i can't tell. i'm still all hopped up on the göööööd stuff.

11 apr 2012

we have a few more years on our mortgage and we'll have it paid off but we have a ton of equity and we want to do a little work on the place. we simply don't want to wait until we've paid it off to enjoy it. interest rates are low right now so we're going for it. getting a little sumsum while the gettin's good. in order to get what's ours, we have to gather a ton of personal data - bank statements back two months, income tax returns back three years, paycheck stubs back 30 days, insurance disclosure, mortgage statement, social security, driver licenses. sounds like a lot but the longest part was making copies of it all. yeah, i know where the sht is. i can lay hands on our stuff. not a problem. however... i am the only one who can find anything. why? because my filing prowess has deteriorated to a stack-and-pile system. this is so not me. SO. NOT. ME. i am lucky to have some unscheduled hours coming up this saturday, and i am looking forward to getting things in order. i've got some hanging files and some regular folders and four colours of sharpie. i have binder clips and plenty of staples. tomorrow i am purchasing a couple filing boxes so i can archive some sht to the basement. it's going to be quite a day! perhaps it is not considered normal to look forward to a saturday of sorting and filing, but i never claimed to be normal, now did i?

10 apr 2012

yesterday my head started to feel a bit stopped up, so last night i took a zyrtec-d. this morning i took another because that's how it works - you take them for a couple days, clear things up, presto good as new. but i felt something else today... if you give in to them.... they can make you feel gööööd. so. there you have it. that's the attraction of the cold meds. they can make you feel gööööd. but here is what i am wondering - is the gööööd feeling an accidental byproduct, a side effect if you will, of the meds that are meant to provide congestion relief... or do they put something extra in there specifically to get you that gööööd feeling?

9 apr 2012

rain pelts.
dirt melts.
mud's alive.
creekside thrives.
worms enjoy.
likewise, boy.
wear galoshes!
footfall sloshes.
droplet plinks.
flower drinks.
creek subsides.
homeward slides.
birds preen.
air's clean.

8 apr 2012

today is a major christian holiday - really, THE major christian holiday. although christmas gets more airtime, easter is the more key event. that jesus was born only becomes important in light of his resurrection, if you see what i mean. in a world of dime-a-dozen prophets, rising from the dead kind of separates you from the pack. was it nothing but a parlor trick designed to fuel a nascent political movement? perhaps. did the friends of a controversial and persecuted man stage his death so that he could run off to france with his lover? perhaps. was jesus's supposed death simply a bodily state beyond the knowledge of physicians of his day? perhaps. did he die completely and come back to life? perhaps. many things are plausible and many things are possible and some theories require more faith of their adherents but after all, this much is true: an event still having profound and global influence 2000 years after the fact is a momentous event, no matter how the details went down.

7 apr 2012

it's funny how easy it is to completely lose touch with daily news. i am generally steeped in news - we get the daily paper at home, watch the local and national news, and i check the yahoo feed several times during the workday. i've been on vacation now just a few days and already i am completely out of touch. did you know a navy jet crashed into an apartment building? amanda bynes was arrested for suspicion of DUI? thomas kinkade died? there was an avalanche in pakistan? a series of shootings in oklahoma? a disappointing jobs report in march?

the thing about current events is that they continue to move right along. you know, like a current? in the river of time? yes, like that. if you miss one news story, there will be another right after that one. if you miss five stories, there will be five more. pluswise, even if you think you're keeping up, you're not. for every event you hear about, there are dozens, hundreds, millions more you'll never hear about. towns. cities. counties. provinces. states. countries. continents. each place with its own people having their own events, their own news.

it's a bit overwhelming really, all the events happening all the time all over the world. knowing a piece of the news allows us to feel we are on top of something, and being on top of some something supports the illusion of being, perhaps if not completely in control, perhaps not completely out of control. this is the appeal of the newscast -- that it gives us an illusion of control. so, if the illusion of control is the appeal of the newscast, what is the appeal of taking a vacation from the newscast? (it's not that difficult... i am sure you can figure this out.)

6 apr 2012

just finished up for renewal by cathy alter. it's nonfiction, 320pgs, so that's 43% of my goal of 750pgs of nonfiction in 2012. bully for me! the book was quite enjoyable. ms alter's telling of her falling apart and regaining her self-composure after divorcing in her mid-30s is both humorous and heartwarming. her life in washington DC is at first vicariously thrilling in its delirious moral abandonment and as the story develops, her reorganization of her priorities and her recovery of her principles is cathartic. it's fun to imagine being that out-of-control and it's fun to imagine being that take-charge, so throughout, this memoir is a fun read.

i'm here with descartes & josephine having a last visit to the palace before they move north for a few years. descartes works hard to make things look easy, and he and josephine have built quite a life together for themselves and for their kiddos, frog and princess. descartes's latest adventure is law school, and a school up north made an offer they couldn't refuse (a full ride). at any rate, one of the things one does when one comes to the palace is to visit the used bookstore. i brought a nearly-finished book on purpose - so that after visiting the bookstore, i could begin reading one of my purchases right away. i selected both john grisham's the confession and muriel barbery's the elegance of the hedgehog. i have elected to begin with the hedgehog. i'll be sure and let you know how it turns out.

as a bonus, here are a couple pix from my trip. the first is some fab copper pipes in a secret-looking hallway. this was at a rest stop where one of those "employees only" doors was standing open. rest stop employees apparently toil amongst the pipes. who knew? the second is an item i saw for sale in a walmart here. they're pretty blasé, just selling merch like that, right out in the open.

books 2012

current:
the elegance of the hedgehog
.....by muriel barbery

complete:
up for renewal
.....by cathy alter
ford county stories
.....by john grisham
mockingjay
.....by suzanne collins
catching fire
.....by suzanne collins
the hunger games
.....by suzanne collins

5 apr 2012

i learned today that someone who i thought read my blog every day does not in fact read my blog at all.

i heard randomly today that blogging every day is "trying too hard".

so, i am wondering now, what is the point of my trying so hard, if the people that i would like to be reading this are not even bothering.

4 apr 2012

today i was listening to this show on the radio about the haggadah. in case you don't know, the haggadah is a telling (or, technically, a retelling) of the story of the exodus of the jews from egypt. the celebration of passover (which is coming up this week) commemorates this event. okay, it's really complicated, and if you don't know anything about passover, you're just going to have to google that up for yourself.

the radio show was about how jonathan safran foer and nathan englander have partnered to create a new translation of the story from the ancient texts and paired it with fresh, modern commentary.

see, the haggadah is more than simply a telling of the story. the haggadah is a complete liturgy for the seder meal including the story, prayers, songs, commentary, and questions. (seder? look it up!) so. the seder meal is partially about a meal and partially about learning the history and partially about keeping the history relevant. this new haggadah is supposed to help folks learn the history and establish its relevance in an all-new and specifically american way.

the talk that happens during seder is a very important part of the meal. it's the parents' job to instruct their kiddos. one of the folks on the show said that in opposition to the american education system in which the teachers ask the questions, in traditional jewish teaching the students ask the questions. i am guessing this means the kids ask their parents questions at the seder supper.

out of everything that was said, i was most interested by two things: the idea of a system of learning where the students ask the questions and also one other thing that was said by someone at some point. i don't remember who said it, but i know it generated a lot of the radio-show correspondent of head nodding... a lot of yes, yes, and suchwise. this is what was -- "a devout jew can also be a devout atheist". what? i mean, WHAT?? i am doing to need someone to explain that one to me. maybe i should get the book.

3 apr 2012

blogger is pushing a new interface AGAIN and i am ignoring them AGAIN. i would bet you dollars to donuts it is not going to work well on this notebook computer. that's right - notebook. there is so much focus on pads and tablets that the beauty that is the notebook has been forgotten. fullsize, tactile keyboard. real applications (not "apps"). hard shell enclosing the small but clear screen. portable, sturdy, powerful, functional. it's everything i need in a machine. if i could choose right now between a notebook and a tablet, i would choose a notebook. how do i know that i would choose thusly? because i already did.

2 apr 2012

what is the reason. what is the explanation.
don't give me an excuse. there can be no mitigation.
here is this thing now.
this thing you've placed between us.
a wall built of ice
cold tears, bad thoughts, and meanness.

why would you say the things they say you said.
how did it play out when you played it in your head.
what were you thinking that i would think of you.
i look at you now and i have to wonder who,
who are you.
who are you.

1 apr 2012

sitting here on a pleasant day with the windows opening enjoying the breeze blowing through the house... and listening to a neighbor using his leaf blower.

industrial steam, cigarette smoke, methane, vehicle exhaust. we know what happens to physical air pollutants, how they affect our health. what about non-physical pollutants, id est: noise? what happens to noise pollution? it does not simply dissipate, nothing simply dissipates. everything - matter, sound, light, energy - is held in a balance.

physical pollutants build up in our physical world, non-physical pollutants build up in our psyche. smoke leads to cancer. pollen leads to asthma. incessantly annoying leaf blowers, car horns, loud coworkers, omnipresent assaults by televisions and radios with their overlapping automated sales pitches -- this oppression of noise leads to discontent, aggravation, even rage. you can hardly go anywhere these days and not be confronted with a screen and its associated jabber jabber jabber. we end up fighting all this noise with our own noise - we implement white noise machines simply to mitigate the cacophonous onslaught.

i know that kids these days can tune out the onslaught, but where does an immunity to sound lead you? it's only a personal anecdote, but at summercamp, we do a lot of singing, and many of the camp kids these days simply cannot sing. it is like they have dulled their ability to discern subtle sounds in melodies. the songs all come out flattened to a monotone. like i said, that's just one personal anecdote, take it for what it's worth, but still...

it is quite unfortunate that people have no idea how they are affected by noise pollution. depression, anxiety, socialisation issues, panic attacks, rage - what part does noise play in our mental health? people used to believe cigarettes were good for them, too.

i hope someone is busy studying this in some lab somewhere.

no foolin'.