30 sep 2012

i cannot make it happen. i cannot make it stay. but when it comes, i can feel it.

glance out the window during twilight, through gloaming-blue trees, across shared backyards, into the neighbor's window where lamps are burning warm. the barest of blue skylight drains from the betweenspace.

and then i think of you.

now that i am grown, i wonder, what could you have been thinking? taking a married couple and their four kids into your home. i look back on those years... it was your house and of course you were there, but i barely remember your presence. you had your life and although it can't have been easy, you didn't put it all on hold for us. that's to be admired. i do remember nearly every day, you - sitting alone in the kitchen, newspaper flared, marmalade jar and plate of toast in attendance, cup of coffee at the ready. it was imminently clear you damn sure were not giving up your breakfast routine.

you were determined to hold yourself above our chaos, not in a panicked way like we might pull you in, but in a why-would-i way, like it never entered your mind. in the face of our breathless vortex of flailing need, you remained a bastion of peace, a well of joy, a warm stoic.

and when i chance to glace a neighbor's welcoming lamp shining golden warmth across the backyard as the cool blue gloaming drains, i think of you.

29 sep 2012

woke up sleepy.
had an egg on toast
and a strong cup of coffee
(some generic dark roast).
then went for a jog
down the neighborhood block.
saw a whole bunch of birds
(a.k.a., a flock).
thought about you -
my bird of a feather -
wonder where we'd be
if we weren't together.

28 sep 2012

today was one of those backwards momentum days when i felt like i was really getting stuff done but at the end of the day had nothing to show for it. distractions and whatnot - worked on irrelevant stuff, see, didn't get to the do-list. would have felt really productive if it weren't for the do-list. the time-management tip is - add the things you really did to your do-list so that you can scratch them off and feel productive, but that's a myth, eh? had a do-list, didn't do it - fess up. face the music. take your medicine. which do you think would be a better character-builder: lie to yourself for dose of false sunshine, or admit you just didn't get done what you set out to do and resolve to be a better person tomorrow?

27 sep 2012

i met her at soccer practice, back when we were practicing. we don't practice anymore and i'd suspect most teams in the league don't, but anyway, we were practicing out in the park and she showed up. you know how you click with people sometimes, right from the start? if it's romantic, they call it "love at first sight" but if it's friendship, i don't know what they call it. anyway, we clicked. then time passed and she stopped playing and you know, we sort of fell out of touch, but we do see each other occasionally and it's always like we've never been apart. i love her. this morning, i received an email to let me know that yesterday, her husband had gone into woods behind their house and shot himself, dead. why do people do that...

26 sep 2012

is it envy?
do you fear me?
did you want to talk about it?
you say yes.
i say i doubt it
would be anything you'd want to hear
(what's going on inside of here).
you tell me,
"you tell me."
i say nothing,
and you look at me
not knowing who i am, you see
a stranger
there
in place of me.

25 sep 2012

do you remember a day when we went to a lake for a picnic?
hills made of sand, where the grass couldn't grow,
and we got in a boat, and you started to row.
and you said - i could row, just row straight away from here?
i thought you odd, tho i never would say,
in a boat there with you on that long ago day
when we'd come to a lake for to have a lovely picnic.

24 sep 2012

well, i mean, the least you can say is - she's his mom. that's the least, you know? i mean, if you wanted to, you could come up with a bunch of stuff, i am sure, you know, a bunch of stuff that is "in her favour" as it were. this or that, whatever, things that she has done through the years, things you'd normally think of as nice or good or whatever like that. yeah, there's plenty of stuff she's done so that if you didn't even know about her having a kid and whatnot, you would say she's a good person. i mean, not like mother teresa or anything, not like that, but still, she's his mother, after all, she's his mom. you know?

23 sep 2012

j'ai une graine de folie sombre
au plus profond de mon coeur
qui je là preserve seulement pour toi.

quand tu me rentreras ici
de ton cheminement de l'âme
tu va me trouver attente pour toi.

22 sep 2012

of the people you know, how many do you think really understand the emancipation proclamation? are you including yourself? when you ask most people about it, they would say that the emancipation proclamation "freed the slaves" and while it's hard to say that doesn't sum up the effect in four words or less, it's not precisely correct. i am sure there are also a good number of people who believe the emancipation proclamation begins: "Four score and seven years ago...."

the emancipation proclamation was an executive order. in case you don't know, the president of the USA can issue executive orders, and if the legislative branch doesn't challenge an order for 30 days, it becomes law. at least, that's how it is now... not sure it was like that on 22 sep 1862 when president lincoln issued the preliminary emancipation proclamation.

according to the federal register, as of 15 sep 2012, president obama has signed 134 executive orders. george w bush signed 290. bill clinton, 363. it's all at the federal register. you can look it up for yourself. the whole executive order thing seems a bit off-target, to me. laws are meant to come from the legislative branch. i am not convinced that the EO is a good mechanism.

at any rate, the emancipation proclamation began it's life as an EO which would free all slaves held in the 10 states which had seceded in 1861 and which were still in rebellion. states had until 1 jan 1863 to return to the union and not be subject to the emancipation proclamation. states not in rebellion were not subject to the emancipation proclamation. slave-holding was legal in delaware, kentucky, missouri, and maryland -- four states that remained in the union. tennessee was also not named because at that point the union had established a military government in nashville. also exempt were 55 counties in virginia that were busy seceding from virginia to become west virginia. new orleans also was exempt. see? it's a bit trickier than "freed the slaves".

why was new orleans exempt? i don't know for sure but suspect it had something to do with the french. in the non-exempt states, there were 3.1million slaves. in all of the USA, there were 4million, so the vast majority were in those states. i'd venture to guess most people would be surprised to learn that president lincoln was a republican and that myriad northern leaders, mostly democrats, were willing to accept slavery as a price of peace. by issuing the proclamation, lincoln made the war about not only restoring the union, but also about the abolition of slavery.

the emancipation proclamation did not abolish slavery. it did not grant citizenship to the freed slaves. the 13th amendment, passed in december of 1865 made holding slaves illegal. in 1866, the 14th amendment guaranteed citizenship to former slaves and changed them in the eyes of the law from three-fifths of a person to whole persons. in 1869, the 15th amendment gave black men the right to vote. (women didn't get the right to vote until 1920.)

anyway, my point here is that while the end result of the process begun by the emancipation proclamation was to free slaves, to make holding slaves illegal, to grant citizenship and the right to vote to former slaves and their descendants -- although all those things came from the push of the emancipation proclamation, the emancipation proclamation itself didn't really do any of that.

i do still wonder what was up with new orleans, and i am continually intrigued by the way that history fits together. in school, we were given bits and pieces... the first time i saw 'dances with wolves' i was like, omg, what an idiot i am. the opening of the west and the civil war were simultaneous. i don't think i am alone in having compartmentalised them, and i blame history class.

21 sep 2012

just enjoy
morning
coffee
conversation
newspaper
just enjoy
working
striving
accomplishing
contributing
just enjoy
living
breathing
moving
being
just enjoy
time
talents
yourself
others
just enjoy
just relax
just enjoy

20 sep 2012

it was a day just like any other day,
just a day in a long line of others.
up, out the bed, out the door, off to work you go.
have a coffee, have a meeting, have some lunch, don't ya know,
a day just like any other day,
just a day in a long line of others.

19 sep 2012

if home is where the heart is
my heart is
a long way
my heart is
a long way
away

i wouldn't say i wanted
to leave there
to leave her
to leave there
to leave her
no i wouldn't say i wanted that at all
not at all

if home is where the heart is
my heart is
a long way
my heart is
a long way
away

i couldn't say she needed
to have me
there with her
to have me
there with her
no i couldn't say she needed that at all
not at all

if home is where the heart is
my heart is
a long way
my heart is
a long way
away

if home is where the heart is
my heart is
there with her
my heart is
there with her
my heart is
my heart is
my heart is there with her
a half-mile closer to the moon

18 sep 2012

i meant to take the train to wednesday.
how did i end up here
in tuesday?
must have missed my stop.

(or what i mean is -
left the train too early.)

must have allowed my attention to slip
like an old magazine
between the seat cushions.
abandoned it to the janitorial staff.

ergo:
when we pulled up to tuesday,
i
(like a robot or someone's obedient corgi)
retrieved my belongings and deboarded
into the past.

17 sep 2012

a body at rest tends to stay at rest,
while a body that's rolling will roll.
doesn't much matter if you're worst or best -
in the end, the bell will toll
for you and your neighbor and all fellowmen -
at the end of the line you'll arrive.
so rest if you will and roll while you can
till that day you awake unalive.

16 sep 2012

it wasn't that i didn't want to go there
it wasn't that i didn't want to say
that it wasn't that i didn't want to be the one to need you
i just didn't want to think of you that way

sometimes the world inside me occupies me
overwhelming every other world around
until that other world which is the one you're occupying
cries smaller still than whoville's tiny sound

simply trying harder cannot fix us
i can hurt you without trying much at all
if i were really trying i could break us right in two
and leave your broken pieces where they fall

so think before you ask me what i'm thinking
cause what i think is you don't want to know
what things there are occurring in this place inside my head
it's really not a place you need to go

15 sep 2012

there was something i was going to tell you. all i remember is it was going to be hard to explain. or, it was going to be a poem, that's it, and it was going to be really difficult to take two points of view or to make the points of view clear or muddle the points of view or something. it was going to be difficult but really cool but i forgot the substance. i remember thinking i might not be skilled enough to pull it off, and i think i know what CD i was listening to at the time.

it's pretty aggravating really. huh. oh well, i will let you know if i figure it out.

14 sep 2013

many apologies about yesterday's post, folks. if you saw it, well good on ya. if not, you didn't miss much except me colliding my respective worlds in a way i decided was not palatable.

speaking of respective worlds, let's talk alien lifeforms. aliens are supposed to be so smart but are generally sending wonky or half-baked technology to earth, right? well, consider what we are able to send out into the universe. take the mars missions, for instance. what did we send? sort of wonky, half-baked technology. i mean, sure, it's freaking amazing - best we can do - but our ETs are less than a wall-e. they don't interact, merely observe and collect. it's exceptional for what it does and does exceptionally that for which it was intended, but it's not people. not even close. considering what aliens are sending here, how much more advanced might they be than what they are sending forth?

13 sep 2012

this post has been intentionally removed.

12 sep 2012

some folks would dare to eat a peach -
not i, but some folks would.
i cannot tell you why they do.
i wouldn't if i could.

a peach is fuzzy round about
and hard within the core.
what attracts it to their mouth...
forsooth. nevermore.

you have to meet them for yourself,
the ones who eat a peach.
then you can ask them why they munch
as messy juices leach.

11 sep 2012

yes, i remember where i was that day. i had just gotten to work, gotten settled in, checking email, when the word started to spread around. there was some kind of emergency, a disaster in NYC. when the details started to develop, i was glued to the internet feed. i could not believe what i was seeing, hearing, but at the same time, it seemed like the only thing that was real. everything going around me wasn't real. my job wasn't real, and i didn't work a lick. the sunny sky wasn't real. how could it be sunny when that shit was going on in NYC. my body wasn't real, food wasn't real, and i mechanically chewed twizzlers all day. i distinctly remember the twizzlers. of all the things to distinctly remember...

10 sep 2012

if you have less than i,
then you have fewer.
if theirs are over there,
then they're askewer.
it's really not that difficult
to keep its story straight.
when you pay your close attention,
you're doing great.

9 sep 2012

i don't know who you are,
but you shouldn't be here.
i mean, no matter who you are,
you should not be here.
technically, i should not be here either,
because no one should be here,
and i am not no one.
but, technicalities aside,
you shouldn't be here.
no matter who you are.

8 sep 2012

today's entry from the collected words of richard feynman demonstrates why i so love to read him: he makes me think. here he is considering the question of the value science to society.

----------

I would now like to turn to a third value that science has. It is a little more indirect, but not much. The scientist has a lot of experience with ignorance and doubt and uncertainty, and this experience is of very great importance, I think. When a scientist doesn't know the answer to a problem, he is ignorant. When he has a hunch as to what the result is, he is uncertain. And when he is pretty darn sure of what the result is gong to be, he is in some doubt. We have found it of paramount importance that in order to progress we must recognize the ignorance and leave room for doubt. Scientific knowledge is a body of statements of varying degrees of certainty--some most unsure, some nearly sure, none absolutely certain.

Now, we scientists are used to this, and we take it for granted that it is perfectly consistent to be unsure--that it is possible to live and not know. But I don't know whether everyone realizes that this is true. Our freedom to doubt was born of a struggle against authority in the early days of science. It was a very deep and strong struggle. Permit us to question--to doubt, that's all--not to be sure. And I think it is important that we do not forget the importance of this struggle and thus perhaps lose what we have gained. Here lies a responsibility to society.

----------

living in the united states today, we can't really know what it means to not be allowed to question. it's been a long time since folks in western society were burned at the stake for the crime of doubt (a.k.a. heresy) but it's not like the entire world today is free to doubt. people living in north korea, china, parts of the middle east, aren't free to not know -- they are told what they know and that's that. you might not be comfortable living with uncertainty, but at least you have a choice. ignorance and doubt are like sun and rain to knowledge -- without them, knowledge cannot grown.

7 sep 2012

and so my head felt heavy
and so i laid it down
and so it was i came to be
upon the very ground
that my enemy had walked on
not e'en an hour before
as he came across the hilltop
to knock upon my door

6 sep 2012

the cherries have been very good this year. i mean, very good. we have been eating the hell out of them. i mean, like, we are going through probably... well, i purchased 4.37lb today, so i would say we are easily going thru 10lb per week. seeing as how there are only two of us here, well... you do the math. the point is -- CHERRIES GOOD. and you might say, so what, ace? to which i would say, isn't the earth an interesting object. this year, cherries good. last year, cherries not so good. next year, who knows about cherries. every single edible thing on the earth has up ticks and down ticks. sometimes cherries good, sometimes broccoli good, sometimes tuna good, sometimes chickens good. part of what i am trying to say is that i am fairly certain we aren't doing this food thing quite correctly, and part of what i am trying to say is that whoever first called it "global warming" did the whole concept a disservice. to the first point, i believe we should be mixing it up a bit more, both in what we are growing and what we are consuming. to the second point, calling it climate change is more precise and less likely to be mocked by everyone all with the "global warming haha it's snowing" and whatnot. and you might say, what does climate change have to do with mixing it up a bit in the growing and the eating, ace? to which i would say, you really need to connect those dots for yourself.

last week, i purchased cherries which were grown in high-altitude washington state. the package claimed these cherries were grown 'a half-mile closer to the moon'.

did you hear me?

"a half-mile closer to the moon"

that is just about the coolest slogan ever.

5 sep 2012

it's been about 7 weeks. there were a few 20 mile weeks, a 30 mile week, then last week i managed 25. it is clear that i am running on purpose now. not exactly "with a" purpose -- i don't have a specific goal named -- but definitely ON purpose, proactively. i can't name a specific spark for this. i guess everything just came together.

i've never run on purpose. even when i ran cross country in junior high, i was simply messing about. it was something my older brother did, and not that i didn't idolise the living hell out of him, but he was always Serious About Things. me, not so much with the seriousness. i've always associated Running On Purpose with being Serious About Things. i just didn't think it would be a good fit for me.

but here i was a few weeks ago, and like i said, i really don't know what happened, but something just sort of clicked into place and it seems like a good fit for me now. couple of questions (okay, a couple dozen...) to a patient expert who's willing to answer, and here i am with a PLAN.

so far, it's challenging and fun and starting to show results. if i can stay healthy and not get too busy with other stuff, i am starting to think that maybe... uh... well, i'll get back to you with that thought.

4 sep 2012

we are all so prickly and defensive, we are losing our sense of humour. not that we can't laugh at a joke if we get it... the problem is that we aren't getting the jokes at all. our egos are so fragile, our self-esteem such a house of cards, that we can't withstand even a friendly little poke in the ribs. i blame the trophy-culture, the idea that everyone's a winner, that participation in life is enough to earn accolades. like too much sugar will rot your teeth, too much sunshine up your ass will rot your soul. someone needs to tell you every once in a while that you look like a dork in those pants because... well, hell... you look like a freaking dork in those pants! we have lost the ability to discern what is good and worthy and lovable because everything is good and worthy and lovable. tolerance has gone awry. we are taught to accept everyone as they are, but somehow, at the end of the day, we're just not accepting ourselves.

3 sep 2012

i really meant to wear my other shoes.
the ones that i can walk about in comfortably.
you know them, though you might not think you do.
you have seen them now so many times before.
the ones that when i wear them, i can keep up with you.
yes, i really meant to wear my other shoes.

2 sep 2012

we the people... well, you know how it goes. do you ever think about it? wonder about things like, what is the effect on a document that comprises the basis of a project when the circumstances surrounding the project change? in the world of information technology, you'd issue a change order. what form does the change order take, with regard to the constitution of these united states? that's an amendment. ergo - the document is not only the original piece, but these additional pieces must be taken into account. but, how does one take them into account... are we to read it from the beginning and when we run into a contradiction, take the new as correct and discard the old? seems right. but what if the contradiction is not clear, but is a matter of perspective? it's possible that i'd find something not contradictory, while you'd find the same piece entirely at odds. what's the appropriate way to view an old document with new eyes? i mean, there's no one around now that was around then. all our eyes are new, so we simply cannot see what they saw. which might be a good thing.

1 sep 2012

'love actually' is in heavy rotation on hbo right now so i've seen it a couple times in the past week. it's one of those great ensemble movies that you can catch at any point and watch over & over. i have wondered if liam neeson, hugh grant, laura linney, colin firth, alan rickman, kiera knightly or any of the other overflowing abundance of talent saw each other more than once during the filming. well, i mean, unless they were in the same little cell of this many-celled production.

but, i digress. my point here is that portuguese sounds like an eastern-european language.

colin firth plays jamie, a lonely writer who composes his novel on a typewriter whilst sitting by a lake. a series of circumstances (as will happen in such a film as this) have landed him with a portuguese housekeeper, aurelia. aurelia doesn't speak english or french, jamie doesn't speak portuguese. their mute dance of love is quite predictable... however, they do it so well, it's human and compelling.

but, i digress. to someone who speaks neither, this woman's portuguese sounds more common to serbian than spanish. i would have pegged portuguese for a spanish-type language, due specifically to portugal's proximity to spain. in a brilliant bit of casting, the actress who plays aurelia is literally portuguese herself. she's small, dark, and i guess you could say that she looks spanish but she also resembles a gypsy. gypsies are basically hobos native to eastern europe (romania... right?), so perhaps some gypsies settled in portugal. i am going with this.


did you know that portuguese is the most spoken language in the southern hemisphere? this is according to wikipedia... which also states that portuguese is the second most spoken language in massachusetts. (really??) i would guess portuguese's prevalence in the southern hemisphere is due to the giantness of brazil, but there are also several countries in africa that were formerly portuguese colonies and where portuguese is the official language, and those are in the southern hemisphere, too.

it's sort of amazing to think a tiny country like portugal could hold so many other much larger countries under their rule. how would that work? i need to brush up a bit on colonialism.

in a bit of trivia, the kid from 'love actually' - you know, the adorable little blond pixie boy who learns to play drums in order to win the heart of his junior high beloved? that boy. he went on to become ferb in phineas and ferb, which in case you don't know is a cartoon. oh, no worries, he's simply voicing ferb. he didn't literally become a cartoon character. the point is, he plays drums.

drums. portuguese. if only i weren't so damn busy...