31 dec 2012

in my teens, i adopted the motto "carpe diem". yeah, it's trite, but hell, having a motto is trite. carpe diem encompasses the whole live-like-you're-dying and don't-put-off-to-tomorrow concepts -- anti-procrastination -- but it's more than that. it's not only about not putting things off, and it's not merely about doing things, checking them off a list. it's about experiencing the experiences. you know?

so, it's time to put pen to paper and set some goals for experiences to experience in 2013.

1. yoga x10. i am going to go ahead and say i will accomplish this one. i've got a groupon for hot yoga, with an appt to begin using it in a couple weeks. 10 times doesn't seem like much, but 10 times swimming didn't seem like much, either, and i barely got that one done last year.

2. read 500 pages non-fiction and 500 lines poetry. letting the non-fiction bar down just a tad from last year and adding some poetry. i was going to say "50 poems" but poetry varies in length. 500 lines would be 25 20-line poems so surely i can accomplish that. and, i am not talking dr seuss - this will be Real Poetry.

3. run 2000 miles and break 4:30 in a marathon. fairly self-explanatory.

here we go!

30 dec 2012

trying to get my desk in order before the end of the year, i ran across three fortune-cookie fortunes. if you're not familiar with fortune-cookie fortunes, they are not so much 'fortunes' as platitudes or simple blather.

1. you display the wonderful traits of charm and courtesy. i distinctly remember this one caused everyone who was with me at the time to laugh. fuckers.

2. change your thoughts and you change the world. this is a blatant ripoff of the norman vincent peale tidbit: change your thoughts and you change your world. mr peale clearly had the right of it - as perception is reality, if you change your perception, you'll change your reality. the fortune-cookie fortune was a bit far-reaching, making the claim that by changing my thoughts i could change "the" world. i mean, i am powerful and all, but not quite that powerful.

3. you are a bundle of energy, always on the go. this is my favourite of the three.

29 dec 2012

heard a story on NPR this morning about differences in teaching methods in japan and the states. one example given was of a math class, working on a new concept. in the states, the kid who comes to the board to write their work on the board is the kid who understands the problem and can do it correctly. in japan, the kid who comes to the board is the kid who doesn't get it.

in the states, the idea is that we're bringing up the one to emulate, the one who does it correctly, and that the other students will see how it's done and learn. we believe that simply seeing it done correctly will enhance their knowledge. we teach that it's only okay to speak out when you are correct.

in japan, the idea is that learning (not already-knowing) is the whole point. the kid who doesn't get it isn't expected to simply copycat from the kid who does get it - instead, they're brought up front and the whole class helps them get it right. there's nothing like helping someone else understand to really solidify the knowledge in yourself.

in the states, there's an innate shame in not knowing and the teaching style emphasizes rote memorization and working solo. in japan, there is no shame in not knowing and the teaching style emphasizes figuring things out and working as a team.

i'm going to have to say: points to japan on this one.

28 dec 2012

this has been one of those weird days when, at the end, i am left feeling that nothing's been accomplished but on the other hand, where did the time go. i attribute this to having had a massage this morning. those things are just never good for me. all that time and all that money, and i'm just all fucked up when i leave. for starters, i consistently tell the masseuse to focus on my lower back. i do this by saying something along the lines of, "i'd like you to spend more time on my lower back." or, perhaps the somewhat more cryptic, "my lower back is tight." as usual, this morning, the lovely strong lady kindly beat and mashed the hell out of my shoulders, and completely ignored my lower back. i'd take the risk of saying, "focus on my shoulders, please." but i am fairly certain that would simply double-backfire on me. at least this way, i can be indignant in my discomfort.

27 dec 2012

mission accomplished!

this year i swam 10 times, read 750 pages non-fiction, and ran 1000 miles.

the swimming was the most fun because i love water and love to swim. it's a hassle to get over there, so it was good to have a goal to push me to do something i love so much. even thought i love it, i am considering replacing the swimming goal with yoga next year. i don't enjoy yoga as much as swimming, but i do want to add some yoga into my routine. so, i am toying with "yoga times 10" goal.

the reading ended up throwing me off the most. i blame one of the selections--a feynman book--but that's not the whole thing. i mean, sure, that's a tough read, but words with friends has really taken a larger role in my downtime. in the coming year, i want to get back to reading more. the winter solstice faerie brought me a nook, so reading anytime, anywhere will be easier. i'm not quite ready to set a reading goal yet, because i'd like to be more creative than a number of pages.

the running was really floundering for most of the year, but i got on track (PUN!) and finished up strong. well, these last two weeks have been weak weeks, but i'm at 1030+ miles for the year. next year's goal... i am toying with 2000 miles. that would mean i'd need to run at brigadoon, so i am not positive that's a reasonable goal. on the other hand... why the hell not?

another goal for the year will be breaking 4:30 at a marathon. i've selected the lansing marathon in late april and enlisted the help of coach tonay (aka, miss tonay). she thinks i should aim for sub-4, but as i have a current marathon PR of 4:54, i am just not convinced about the sub-4 yet.

so, to summarize the as-yet-not-firm goals for 2013: yoga times 10, read something, run 2000 miles, and break 4:30 in the marathon.

books 2012

complete:
vertical leap
.....by dane bradshaw
the pleasure of finding things out
.....by richard feynman
harry potter and the socerer's stone
.....by jk rowling
up for renewal
.....by cathy alter
ford county stories
.....by john grisham
mockingjay
.....by suzanne collins
catching fire
.....by suzanne collins
the hunger games
.....by suzanne collins

26 dec 2012

and then's when it turns -
turns around.
and then's when it falls -
toward the ground.

and then's when you reach
out your hand
to catch
it again -

the way that you did on the day
there
with him.

the way that you did on the day.

25 dec 2012

some sorts of hollow can't be filled.

24 dec 2012

when i saw this picture in an online ad, my immediate reaction was - OMG WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH THAT PERSON'S EYE AND WHY THE HELL ARE THEY MAKING ME LOOK AT IT?!?

23 dec 2012

there is no other time of year that actual behaviour and professed faith are brought into such direct relief. no one is walking the talk. the verbalized "reason for the season" is so far from the mass consumer hysteria being practiced that they couldn't see each other with a hubble telescope. druid, agnostic, christian, jew... we all celebrate a season of light, a coming of hope in the lessening darkness. of all the mysteries this season brings, the biggest mystery of all is why we act out our hope with demonstrations of such desperation.

22 dec 2012

and just like that
it's just us
again

me
you
just us two
again

just when i'm used
to more than us two
just when i'm used
to they two here too
just when i'm used
to having a crew
it's back to just us
just me and you
again

21 dec 2012

and,
there it is.

it's back again.
it's black again.
it's charcoal burning --
bitter
churning...

small and dry and hot and
hardened --
like a stone.

ossified and petrified and
no flesh on the bone.

if i'm not mindful every minute
of my heart and all that's in it
something inky seeps right in it.

nasty copper taste of hate
fills my mind.
inchoate...
something putrid there is brewing.
something rotten, spitting, spewing...

and you are there
and so convenient.
it's just words, man,
i don't mean it.

20 dec 2012

i could sit here all day, in this coffee shop, at this table, next to this window. outside it's greyish, blustery, misty wet. inside it's almost too warm... but here by the window there's a cool draft, and it's almost too noisy... but somehow all the various inane conversations taking place in this place are blending into a soft low tide. my ears are surfing the gentle ebb&flow of the soundwaves.

my hands are shaking just ever so slightly and i know it's a combination of caffeine and the ridiculous sugared confection they call "bagel & cream cheese" here. this is no tal bagel, i'll tell you that much.

i didn't run today, and over that, i'm caught between guilt and glee. it's half ha-ha, i'm playing hooky, and it's half, omg there's only a certain number of runs between the now-me and the out-of-shape-me. i am uncertain what that certain number is, but of that uncertain-certain number, i am spending one today. so there! take that!

(maybe i will go swimming later.)

19 dec 2012

i want to be,
be there again -
just to feel,
feel the rain, feel the wind,
and to see,
see your face near my face,
just to be
next to you and be safe.

18 dec 2012

next time you think - hey, i'll throw a few phone-snapped pics together and create me one of them self-made calendar thingies and give it to someone as a gift! and then you think - yeah, that's a super idea! THINK AGAIN WANKER.

the mere selection of photos for inclusion, not to mention their on-page arrangement and/or proximity to like and/or unlike photos, is akin to slow suffocation by feather pillow -- or, wait, more like slow suffocation by feathers-not-yet-in-pillow, and yes, by that i mean, SUFFOCATION BY GOOSE.

the entire ordeal is best accomplished avec vin because bottom line, we must always remember what is really important about the holiday season: self-preservation.

17 dec 2012

it's 8:09 in the morning.
i've a glass of gin in my hand.
i ran 100 miles across the desert last night.
i don't expect you to understand.



some things i do, i choose them.
i say who. i say when. i decide.
but some things they come, haunt my dreams in the night.
they choose me, i'm along for the ride.



and so, it's gin for breakfast.
salve the pain in my legs, in my feet.
next time i will show that old track who's the boss.
but this time, i've heartbreaking defeat.

16 dec 2012

and so we move
to the next distraction--
to the next bright-shiny
that demands attention.
and although we say
that we've not forgotten
that we'll long remember
actions misbegotten,
when the truth is told
all we want to have
is some peace of mind,
just a soothing salve,
for the aching heat of
a worn-out brain.
peace on earth be damned,
pass the mary jane.

15 dec 2012

although i am diametrically opposed to goals, i set three for this year: read 750 pages of non-fiction, run 1000 miles, swim 10 times.

today i finished the running - my mileage for the year stands at 1000.3 miles. of the three goals, i would have thought i'd finish the running last, if at all. i've been swimming 9 times (6/25, 6/27, 6/28, 7/1, 7/2, 7/7, 8/14, 9/11, 9/18), so there's one more on that list, and i'm working on the final 186 pages of non-fiction. both of these seem within reach in the next 15 days, and i am confident i'll be able to complete all three goals.

in light of the tragedy yesterday (for the sake of posterity, 20 connecticut kindergartners and 6 adults were savagely gunned down by a madman) goals like running, reading, and swimming seem meaningless. it's all wind, all vanity, nothing lasts. it's undeniably true that my reading 750 pages non-fiction isn't going to leave a lasting mark on the world.

however. what i can do is be the best me i can be, and stand in readiness for the opportunity to influence a process, a system, a person... to exert an influence for the good. one thing i do might trigger another thing, and another, and another, and someone down the line might make a real difference to this crazy, mixed-up world. can i be sure that will happen? hell no. but, better to be ready for that sort of opportunity and have it not happen, than not be ready and it does.

14 dec 2012

i guess you heard what happened today. what an unspeakable nightmare. there are truly not words to express the despair, the gaping howling despair. and here we all are, seeking an explanation, like a motive or something. as if there could be any way to explain, any way to comprehend when the thing is, you can't understand random and you can't explain evil.

13 dec 2012

we were watching the news this morning and there was this story about a family whose house burned down last night. it was a cheap-ass little nothing house on a scrabbly piece of land. the mom woke up and smelled smoke, ran to get the baby and the toddler, and got out of the house with nothing but the clothes on their backs. the dad and the 10-yo daughter were out when the fire started. so that's three kids, remember that. oh, and p.s. the wife is 7mos pregnant.

the dad was saying it was a mystery how the fire started because they don't smoke, so that wasn't it, and they didn't have any space heaters or candles around, so that wasn't it. they were renting and didn't have renters insurance. then he goes, "all the kids christmas was in there. we just spent $600 on all the kids christmas." and i just busted out crying. real tears and all.

i mean, i don't carry $600 around in my wallet, but i don't know... i mean, it's a lot of money, okay? but at the same time, it's not. that's $200 per kid. i guess that's a lot but somehow when he said it, it didn't seem like that much, and i just busted out crying with sadness for these folks.

they moved to town three months ago, rented a house, and the dad was out at the time that it burned down. everyone else got out okay, but now they need money to start over. you don't think it's a scam... do you? or, maybe the dad tried to burn his family up whilst burning the house down? that would be ironic. the first time i've ever spontaneously busted out in tears over the morning news, and it's all a setup. generally, i skip straight to the conspiracy-to-defraud theories and shed nary a tear.

12 12 12

a little over a dozen years ago, the calendar flipped to a new century. a bright shiney new century. not long after the flipping, we had the first samie-same day: 01/01/01. that was followed about a year later by 02/02/02. then along came 03/03/03, then 04/04/04, and of course 05/05/05, dutifully followed by 06/06/06, and so on through 07/07/07, then came 08/08/08 and 09/09/09, and they were followed by 10/10/10, and of course the great 11/11/11 (ACE DAY!) was last year. now, today, is 12/12/12, and with 12/12/12... that. is. IT. we are done with samie-same days. this is the last samie-same day of the century.

what else?

there was a story on NPR about people getting married on this day. they talked to folks who manage wedding chapels in las vegas: the elvis chapel and the chapel of the flowers. the elvis chapel had like 100 weddings today and i think the chapel of the flowers had like, 65 or something. the reporter asked the elvis chapel manager: how many weddings do you have on a normal weekday? he said, oh about 5 or 10. FIVE. or. TEN. and today they had a hundred. A HUNDRED. that's like, twice as many or something.

what else?

junior and mrs junior are staying with us while the remodeling of their newly purchased foreclosure home is completed. they arrived on 11/30/12, to stay for a week. they were here on 12/1 and here on 12/2. they were here on 12/3 and here on 12/4. they were here on 12/5 and here on 12/6. they were here on 12/7 and here on 12/8. they were here on 12/9 and here on 12/10. they were here on 12/11 AND HERE ON 12/12! a dozen days on the dozenth day. that's almost like a week, right? uh....

what else?

11 dec 2012

dear anonymous -

i don't know who you are, but...

wait. of COURSE i don't know who you are. that's the POINT, right?

anyway.

i don't know who you are, but the comment you made on my blog yesterday was an inspiration. i have thought about it continually today.

"you can do it! enjoy the rewards" ...not sure why you left off the final punctuation. maybe you're a free spirit. punctuation:you::pants:hippies. am i right? tell me i'm right.

"you can do it! enjoy the rewards" ...HOW DO YOU KNOW? i said. i challenged it. how do YOU know. what if i cannot, what then. but soon, i grew inspired. of COURSE that's the sort of person i want to be - the sort of person who DOES things, takes ACTION, doesn't just lie inert in the stream of life while the waters of time wash over her.

"you can do it! enjoy the rewards" helped me get dressed and pack my workout bag. when i got to work and found i'd left a key accessory at home, "you can do it! enjoy the rewards" got me through the [admittedly ridiculous] panic at being improperly clothed for today's important meeting.

"you can do it! enjoy the rewards" got me off my duff at a quarter till eleven to head out for a run, then saw me through the entire workout, got me back to my desk on time, helped me compile meeting packets, and sailed me through the meeting.

"you can do it! enjoy the rewards" assisted me in selecting brown-sugar-cinnamon flavour poptarts from the vendo, as my reward, which i am enjoying now, with tea.

in conclusion, thanks, anonymous. you made a real and positive difference on my day.


yours most confidently -

ace

10 dec 2012

tomorrow i have a meeting with my boss and his boss. i also have planned a running workout of fair intensity. it's going to be a big day. can i do it all? will i have time to eat? by 3PM when it's all over, will i be rewarding myself with tea and cookies... or consoling myself with tea and cookies?

9 dec 2012

there was a girl that had some stuff that she kept in boxes. it was a fairly good system - she knew where everything was & could usually find what she was looking for. there was this, and there was that. she did not fully understand every thing that was in every box, but she did know that all the things were her responsibility, so she did not throw anything away.

one day the flood came, and all the boxes got wet, and all the sides of all the boxes bowed and collapsed, and all her stuff fell out. it was a jumble and a mess, and the people who shared her life said they would help her pick up her stuff and put it back into boxes.

they all began the work together, but then, those people were repelled & disgusted by some of her stuff. they said it was hideous, and they refused to touch it, and they went away & left her with her stuff.

she took a look at the stuff, and it all looked the same to her, but she thought that the people who had shared her life were wise & good, so she accepted their judgments, and she took those things they said were hideous and put those things in plastic bins. the bins were sturdier than the boxes, and the bins would protect those hideous things from flooding and keep those things hidden from sight. so, she took her boxes & her bins & her stuff that was her responsibility, and found some new people to share her life.

then, the earthquake came. all the cardboard boxes broke & spilled, and all the tops flew off all the plastic bins, and all her stuff from all her containers fell out. it was a jumble and a mess, and the people who shared her life said they would help her pick up her stuff and put it back into boxes.

they all began the work together, but then, those people were repelled & disgusted by some of her stuff. they said it was hideous, and they refused to touch it, and they went away & left her with her stuff.

so, she took a look at the stuff, and it all still looked the same to her, but she thought that the people who had shared her life were wise & good, so she accepted their judgments, and she took those things they said were hideous and put those things in steel cases and put those cases in a vault. then, she took the stuff that was acceptable, and put it in the plastic bins she still had because all the cardboard cases kept getting destroyed, and she didn't feel like messing with them anymore.

so, she took her vault & her bins & her stuff that was her responsibility, and found some new people to share her life. these new people could not see the stuff in the vault, but they took great interest in her stuff that she kept in the bins. they liked to take her stuff out & pass it around & comment on it. she interpreted this as acceptance and found it to be comforting.

but, she began to notice that when they commented, they laughed. she was not sure that her stuff was funny. then, she began to notice that when they took her stuff out of the bins, sometimes they did not put it back or if they put it back, they would return it incorrectly, and sometimes they would break her stuff or misplace her stuff, so that she began to have to spend a great deal of time finding her stuff and repairing it. her stuff was constantly in a jumble & a mess, and she did all the cleaning up on her own.

finally, she noticed that this group always used her stuff - that they never got out any of their own stuff. she realized, this is how to keep your stuff from getting broken or misplaced or put back incorrectly or not put back at all: if you store it securely and never get it out, it will be safe. she thought the people who shared her life were wise & good, so she followed their example, took all her stuff, put it in steel cases, and put the cases in a vault.

the vault became big & heavy & unwieldy, so she could not carry it around, but her stuff was a part of her, and it was her responsibility, and she could not leave it. so, she put her blanket on the cold, hard, steel floor of the vault, and she closed the big, heavy, steel door, and she sat on her blanket.

now, she can take out all of her stuff & look at it & pass it around to herself & back around to herself, and nobody says it is hideous, and nobody puts it back incorrectly or not at all, and nobody comments on it, and nobody breaks it. nobody touches her stuff but her, as she sits on her blanket in the security of her vault.

8 dec 2012

the other day i took the long way to work. or, i should say, *A* long way. there are many ways.

on the first leg, there was a bit - maybe three miles - on a newly paved road. it was so smooth and soft, like driving on air. then, onto to the interstate for a bit, then back off again to pick up a road that i had been reminded of when i passed it recently going the other way to get somewheres else. it goes parallel to the interstate, sort of an access road for several subdivisions, but there aren't any traffic signals and there's barely any traffic. just your typical suburban secondary street, quite handy. from there to a main artery, where the biggest obstacles were a short school zone and a small commercial district, then boom, at work.

i highly recommend taking the back way every once in a while. do it right and it's NOT significantly more time-consuming than taking the freeway and IS significantly less stressful than fighting it out with all the commuting yahoos. maybe 5, 10 additional minutes to refresh your day before it even gets started. pluswise, taking alternate routes staves off dementia, so you can probably use your medical reimbursement dollars to pay for the gasoline.

6 dec 2012

it's just me and this trail in the gloaming,
with a rain that is soft, softly falling.
commuters up on the road,
don't see me, here below.
alone on this trail i am roaming.

scents in this wood speak to me -
fresh turned earth, distant skunk, cedar tree.
deer have come to out graze,
averting their gaze.
they find me unworthy, it seems.

oh, look - it is getting quite dark.
i should find my way out of this park.
if i run really fast,
maybe daylight will last
until i can get back to my car.






----------------
p.s. no, it didn't. fully dark when i got back to my car, which was alone in a parking lot built for 500.

5 dec 2012

when i was in 8th grade, my algebra teacher said - "i can tell a lot about a person just by looking at their shoes." you know how some things that people say just stick with you? why is that? anyway, the shoe comment struck me and stuck with me.

it struck me because in 8th grade, my shoes were a mess. i was in the second year of a doomed-from-the-beginning all-girls-prep-school experiment, and the shoes which had been purchased at the beginning of 7th grade and worn every school day since were a bit worse for the wear. due to the doomed nature of the experiment, i would not be getting any more of that particular sort of school shoe.

back in the day, i did that thing where you walk too far to the outside of the shoes... pronate? supinate? i have no idea, but it tears the upper shoe away from the sole on the inside, like where the joint of the big toe meets the foot? is any of this making sense? does it even matter? i remember having tape wrapped around the left shoe. did i really? maybe? whatever. the shoes were a mess.

so i walk into Super Advanced Maths For Brilliant Students and the teacher goes - "i can tell a lot about a person just by looking at their shoes." but she says it in a nice way, you know? like, she's not hinting there's anything wrong with my shoes, per se, just saying she can tell, you know? like, maybe she could tell i was on my way out, by looking at my shoes? or, that i was a tomboy, a poor person, a supinator, that i didn't give a fuck about my damn saddle oxfords?

fast forward a billion years to now. i think about that teacher and what she said about shoes every time i am shopping for shoes and most times that i am putting shoes on. she says it one time, and i think about it all the all the all the time. talk about staying power, jeez. i rarely have the right shoes, generally do have comfortable shoes, often have poorly maintained shoes. what does any of that say about me?

recently, i went shoe shopping and came away with a really great pair of shoes. they fit well, they are stylish and sporty, they are well-maintained (um... new). when i put them on, i think about ol' mrs hoover, and i wonder what she'd be able to tell about me, by these shoes.

4 dec 2012

in case you don't keep up with my every move, i ran a 5k last saturday morning. did pretty damn well, if you asked me, which technically you did ask me as you are here reading my blog. one of the threepointone miles i ran, i ran in less than 7 minutes. fast-forward to today - i was doing a running workout (because runners do workouts) and part of the workout was to run 1 minute hard then jog 1 minute, and do that 4 times. (i feel like if i am doing that right, i would cover a mile in that portion, but that's not my point here.) my point here is that i ran a couple of those 1 min pieces at a pace less than a 7 minute mile. of course, they were only 1 minute, so they weren't miles, but I THINK YOU GET MY POINT HERE.

it's not like i can run that fast all the time or sustain it for an extended period, but yeah, i can run that fast. oh, you want to know what it feels like? okay.

it's like hurtling through space, just on the edge of control. too cliché? okay... it's like, if a squirrel ran across my path, there's no dodging it - either me or that squirrel is going down. or, the both of us.

hmmm...

what it is, is... i am not completely in control of my body but at the same time i am completely in control. i am making my body do this amazing thing, forcing it into this tough place by sheer force of will - it's not a place my body would go of its own accord. so, here i am, with my body a puppet to my will, my body obeying my mind to the fullest extent... except... except... my mind has sort of created a monster, and who can control a monster?

3 dec 2012

too many toes, in this house.
his and yours and mine and hers -
just too many toes, in this house.

and, too many feet, in this house.
his and yours and mine and hers -
just too many feet, in this house.

and, too many arms, in this house.
his and yours and mine and hers -
just too many arms, in this house.

and, too many hands, in this house.
his and yours and mine and hers -
just too many hands, in this house.

and, too many heads in this house.
his and yours and mine and hers -
just too many heads, in this house.

and, too many souls in this house.
his and yours and mine and hers -
just too many souls, in this house.

and, too many folks in this house.
him and you and me and her -
just too many
too many
too many
too many
too many folks in this house.

2 dec 2012

back in '74, vandy went to the peach bowl, and we all went to watch. apparently, they lost the game. alls i remember was getting purple (why purple??) souvenir peach bowl football-jersey-style commemorative tee shirts, and also that we went to 'the varsity' for burgers. i don't remember literally going to the actual game, so really, for all i know, we didn't go to the game.

for the first time ever, this year, vanderbilt is going to a bowl for the second year in a row. last year, the liberty bowl in memphis. this year, it's the music city bowl, right down the road. doesn't seem very special to go to a bowl right down the road, but it does mean they can practice for an additional few weeks. i'm sure they get other kinds of bowl stuff like a ring or something.

anyway. bowl = excellent.

ANCHOR DOWN!!

1 dec 2012

when i was a kid, like, grade 3 or 4, me and joey warnock were great friends. we played together every recess. he had blond hair and freckles and he was skinny but strong. we played on the rocks, mostly, played house, but sometimes we'd play on the swings. the thing about the swings is that when class let for recess, kids would make a charge for the swings. last one there's a rotten egg and whatnot. it was easier to play house on the rocks. but, some days you just want to swing, you know? it's worth it - the race to the swings is worth it because at the end's a prize that you want.

that's what it felt like today, running that 5k. felt like we were all trying to see who'd be first to get to the swings and it felt like, today, like i wanted to get there first.

competition. nothing like it.