29 feb 2012

the irony of anonymity is that it allows for stunning honesty. well, i mean, aside from the "name" thing. when people don't know who you are, you can tell them all sorts of things. secret things. secret truths. would you like to know a secret truth about me? okay. i will tell you this: my name isn't really ace.

secrets are... well... secretive. they're purposefully hidden, put into the dark, tucked away. sometimes we put things away and don't look at them ourselves. sometimes we put things away so that we can look at them ourselves. some things are only for me. some things are for no one, not even me.

confidences are different. something personal is kept confidential, doesn't mean it's a secret. just means it's none of your business. my social security number is confidential, but it's not secret. secret has a connotation of immorality, something wrong that's buried, a skeleton in the closet.

everyone has secrets, things they're extremely reluctant to share, and in some cases, reluctant to even think about. funny thing is, if we were to pour them all out there, empty our souls like pockets turned out into the ashtray on the dresser, what we would see is that these secrets we each keep tight, these demons that haunt us individually, these precious dark treasures that we each hold dearly in our innermost selves... all these secrets are nothing more than more of the same.

28 feb 2012

on the day you were born, i was in houston. i said to your pappy décartes to tell your mammy joséphine that she should hold out for a leap-baby. he thought that was a prime idea. she did not. and so you were born on this day, the day before leap-day. you will have an ordinary sort of birth date instead of an extraordinary one, but believe you me, little man, you more than make up for any ordinariness of the circumstances of your birth with your very unordinary self. a toast to grenouille, on his birthday! (and of course, in the tradition of the beloved gramma-bec, a shout out to dauphiné, because it's your brother's birthday!)

27 feb 2012

today my coworker told a short tale that started with 'the refrigerator smelled like something had died in there' and ended with 'i got so wasted'. it was a shorter path than you might think between those two statements, and it was pretty funny, but i guess you had to be there. those of us who were there today attended our regular monday staff meeting. after a couple hours the meeting was sort of switching gears to a sales meeting, and i am not in sales, so i picked up my stuff and i left. later, my wasted coworker congratulated me on how smoothly i'd left. (haha, okay, he wasn't wasted #atthetime.) yes, i did manage to just get up and leave amidst a transition of sorts and yes, it was pretty smooth. it was part of my new schtick: 'i don't read minds'. i don't assume. i don't presume. i don't go where i am not invited. if i receive an email CC, i take it as FYI because if you want action from me, you can send an email TO me. i don't ask. i don't volunteer. i don't speak up. not that i wouldn't recommend any of those things to myself at perhaps a different point in my career, but now is not the time. now is the time to reinvent myself. i have become not so much a go-to problem-solving good-teammate type of coworker as one of your basic mop-up grunt-work dumped-on types. it's time for the rest of you to pull your weight around here. or, at the least, have the decency to explain what you'd like me to do. don't make me guess. because, i won't be doing that anymore.

26 feb 2012

we're going to need a bigger boat. those aren't pillows. yeah, baby. houston, we have a problem. i love the smell of napalm in the morning. you can't handle the truth. may the force be with you. adrian!! i'll have what she's having. as you wish. frankly, my dear, i don't give a damn. teacher says, every time a bell rings an angel gets his wings. no wire hangers! i'm going to make him an offer he can't refuse. argentina? if you build it, they will come. nobody puts baby in a corner. have fun storming the castle! you had me at hello. and in the morning, i am making waffles! it's getting harder every day to pretend my father is safe. she's a nightmare, honestly, it's no wonder she hasn't got any friends. my pretty. my precious.

yes, it's oscar night. sandra bullock is class, personified, and bradley cooper would look gorgeous even with a bag on his head.

25 feb 2012

random stuff found in my email 'drafts' folder

----------

estee lauder had a daughter
wore more makeup than she ought'er
went outside in the rain & cried
my makeup is running
11.17.2008

----------

i need a little more ragtime in my life.
12.26.2009

----------

that little light blinking on your internal dash is the "check humour" indicator. you need to add a couple quarts of lighten up before your emissions get totally out of hand.
12.1.2009

----------

without him there to push against, she wasn't clear about standing up at all.
3.15.2010

----------

busta rhymes asian rap. asian quiznos.
4.9.2009

----------

if you leave non-alcoholic wine, aka grape juice, sitting around long enough... does it ferment & become alcoholic?
11.11.2008

24 feb 2012

it was a day just like any other.
rising sun. cups of coffee. good morning.
a day just like any other, she said to herself.
but of course it wasn't true.
this day was different than
any other day that
had come before it.
for this day she needed only
one
cup.

23 feb 2012

her parents named her gentle.

and, while you might hear

of a patience,
or prudence,
or faith,

of a grace,
or hope,
or joy...

folks don't name their girls gentle.

at least, not usually.

but gentle was
an unusual
girl.

22 feb 2012

a - aardvark
b - bumblebee
c - cart
d - doorway
e - egg
f - fly
g - goat
h - horse
i - ice cream
j - jumping jack
k - kale
l - lemon
m - mail
n - nail
o - oval
p - picket
q - queen
r - rally
s - sally
t - tally
u - umbrella
v - violin
w - walrus
x - xylophone
y - yak
z - zebra

interesting. i tried to just type the first thing that came into my head for each letter, but my head got really noisy. there at the end after umbrella (ella, ella) it tapers off into traditional children's book territory.

okay, it's your turn. go!

a -
b -
c -
d -
e -
f -
g -
h -
i -
j -
k -
l -
m -
n -
o -
p -
q -
r -
s -
t -
u -
v -
w -
x -
y -
z -

21 feb 2012

02212012 in base-3 converts to 2084 in base-10.
2084/2=1042/2=521. 5+2+1=8.
8 in base-10 is 10 in base-8.
8=2*2*2. 2^3. 2*3=6. 23.
23 in base-6 is 1111 in base-2.
1111 is aces.

20 feb 2012

i am not going to ask you again. if you want to go, you can say you want to go. i don't want to go, and i think i made that clear, but then i said that i would be happy to go if you wanted company, but the point was, i didn't want to go for myself. i could take it or leave it, and actually, i could more leave it than take it. could i be more clear? okay - how's this: i don't want to go. however, if it is important to you and you want company, i will go with you. if it were just me, i would not go at all, but if you want me to, i will go -- with you. if it's not important to you, not worth making a fuss over, but you would like to go and don't want to go alone, i will go with you. the only thing i am trying to say is that i don't want to go for myself, but it doesn't bother me to go. i am not doing anything else, just sitting here. but if the question is: do you want to go? i would have to say, no, no i do not want to go. unless you want me to. so i guess maybe you'd say what i want is to be with you. so. if you are going, i am going, and if you are not going, then i am not wanting to go without you. in conclusion, i cannot decide if we are going because it's not a pros and cons for me - there are no pros to simply going, the only pro to going is if you are going. so, it's all cons in my book except if you are going which puts the decision squarely with you, and i've already asked you if you wanted to go and i am not going to ask you again. you will say that we didn't go because i didn't want to go as if it were to please me that we didn't go, but it doesn't please me not to go if you do want to go. it bothers me if you don't do something you want to do because you think i don't want to. i don't need you to think for me about what i want to do or where i want to go. what i need is for you to decide what you are doing and then i will decide if i want to join you. not that i am just waiting on you for ideas of things to do because if i had something that i wanted to go do, i would do it. want, go, boom. done. if i wanted to do anything, i would do it, and it's not that i don't want to do anything, it's that i am content not doing anything. it's not an active not-wanting. i am not against going - it's just that it's not something i want for myself. it's up to you. but, i am not going to ask you again.

19 feb 2012

i like to play tetris and i play it quite a bit -- nearly every day and sometimes several times a day. to get a tetris you have to blast four rows simultaneously and often when i flub and the first blast is less than four, i will trash that game and start anew. there will be hundreds, probably thousands, of tetris games in my life, so why should i carry on with one that has so clearly gone awry? there is no purpose in merely finishing a standard game.

once, i scored over a million points... just the once. i have gone over 900000 a few times and i am generally in the 800000-900000. i play at the highest speed and can peripherally see the next pieces in the queue. in the world of nintendo-ds tetris, i am an elite.

currently i am working on playing the piece that is given and not hitting the switch-out button. because i am working on this new skill, i am not scoring as highly, i am relegated to merely finishing, and i am often not even able to complete a game at all. however - because i am not giving up on a piece and just switching out for an easier piece, i am learning a lot about the pieces and ways that they can fit together. i am seeing the game in a new way and finding fresh amusement in something that, because i am so good at it, had become a bit stale. this work will make me a better tetris player and will make tetris a more enjoyable part of my daily life.

18 feb 2012

Should have gone to bed earlier
Last night so i could be
Eager to do something besides drink
Endless cups of coffee when i could go outside and
Play or go to the movies with
You.

Not that i don't enjoy coffee but
After five cups all i'll be doing is going to
Pee.

Tried to sleep in this morning so that
I would be more lively but
Right now i want to close my
Eyes and that's all i want to
Do.

Sitting here in front of the television
Nearly drifting
Off and you're talking about going
Out which would be fun if i weren't a
Zombie and feeling nothing but
Exhaustion.

17 feb 2012

i am more sidekick than superhero, more operations than strategic vision. a team? you can have it. i will take the partnership. i don't care for the adoration of the crowds. i just want to be a special someone to someone special.

16 feb 2012

i read in a headline today where a group of freshly-minted lawyers who cannot find work are suing their schools for misrepresenting the potential job prospects for graduates. did the schools do too good a job educating the lawyers, and now that's come back to bite them, or too poor a job, and now that's come back to bite them. which is it? too good or not good enough?



(or, maybe it's just the job market.)

15 feb 2012

there's a story on the internet news today about some college kid getting the "most expensive starbucks drink ever". the drink was like $24 and it took two baristas half an hour to put it all together. wtf? a shot of espresso costs like a dollar, so how hard can it be? start with one ginormous extra large -- they have something larger than a venti now. that's probably four, five bucks right there. make it some kind of latte and you'll get on up to eight or so, easy. add a few shots, wah lah. this kid who got the $24 drink added crazy sht like strawberries and banana. wtf?? fruit in coffee??

the news article said it was "lucky" he had a coupon, as if he had accidentally ended up with a $24 cup of coffee and without the coupon he would have had to have (pluperfect!) hocked his pappy's guitar to pay for it. as if! as if you could walk into any coffee shop, including starbucks, and accidentally spend $24. as if! as if he just stumbled across that "lucky" coupon! it was mailed to him, for his birthday. as if! as if i don't get those, too, and every time i get a free drink coupon i scurry on over and get a $10 coffee drink... on purpose!

14 feb 2012

for valentines day, my dearly beloved gave me a cleaned house. couldn't have gotten a more perfect gift at any store.

13 feb 2012

back in the day, i was totally into earning scout merit badges. i earned six, maybe eight. what? yes, i was totally into it. i said i was totally into it, and that's what i meant. i was totally into it. in addition to being totally into it, i was easily distracted.

i adored the little lists and how you'd check them off, get your scoutmaster to initial the little space beside each item. everything so clear cut. do this, get that. there wasn't any mystery about what you needed to do. it was all right there in the book, all the requirements, right there in the book. you could freaking carry that book around with you, have it with you all the time, be ready at any moment to meet some requirement and qualify yourself a little closer to your goals.

i didn't carry the book around. i got it out once a week for meetings, maybe a couple other times. i remember sitting at the kitchen counter, staring at all the lines, seeing right there what was required, but not having any idea how to accomplish it.

12 feb 2012

i went for a run today - 6 miles in 58 minutes. it was a nice run. i was comfortable at my fitness level, well able to manage the distance and the pace. the weather was cold but not unbearable, and i was dressed just right. the route was interesting. overall, just a really nice run. except for one thing - i was a bit lonely. fast-forward to this evening when from out of the blue, a soccer mate texted me complaining about being out of shape, needing to get ready for the season. i was like, wanna run next saturday? she was like, definitely. funny how things work out sometimes.

11 feb 2012

i am having a first-world crisis... can't find a babypink cable-knit cardigan. not like, i own one and have mislaid it. like, wish to purchase one and cannot find one to purchase. if i were willing to pay $100 for a sweater, i would not have this problem, so i guess i could refine the problem as: can't find a babypink cable-knit cardigan for less than $30. the cable-knit is optional.

10 feb 2012

carrying their dead relationship in his heart.

a corpse in a drawer.
dead but still dear.
memento mori.

ever seen those photos of dead babies from the 1800s?
devastatingly sad, yet compelling.

but there's a time for everything
and now is the time
to bury the dead baby.

9 feb 2012

if you own or lease a car and live in chicago more than 30 days out of the year, you must have a city sticker on your car. this is according to the chicago city clerk's office. one presumes that a sticker is not necessary for a car owner to simply reside in the city -- one presumes that the sticker is necessary for the car itself to reside in the city. at any rate, city stickers. the city of chicago held a contest to choose next year's sticker design. designs were solicited from the children of chicago, hundreds of designs were submitted, and after online voting, one design was selected. on the verge of implementation, the winning design was deemed inappropriate, yanked, and replaced with the second place design. city officials claim that the winning drawing contained gang symbology.

i'm skipping the details because you can google this if you're interested. i'm going straight my conclusions because after all, this is my blog. firstly, the supposed gang symbols include ubiquitous icons such as a heart and the fallacious assignation of meaning to the simple placement of the elements. secondly, if the kid included gang symbols, perhaps it was inadvertant - perhaps he is so immersed in gang symbols that to him they are simply life symbols. thirdly, why waste perfectly good time tearing apart some kid's artwork looking for trouble... we have enough trouble as it is, simply taking things at face value.

the prize for winning this design contest was $1000 savings bond. when they took away the winningness from the young man and awarded the prize to a young lady, the city clerk felt compelled to provide the young man a prize also. according to what i heard on the radio, she was planning to pay for this additional prize herself. the young man's family are so appreciative of this solution that they plan to file a lawsuit.

see what happens when you open the can of conflict worms?

8 feb 2012

a headline today revealed that disciplining children by corporal means results in kids with low IQs. id est: beating your children makes them stupid. one wonders on the causality here... perhaps stupid people beat their children and the low IQs are simple genetics. when descartes was a youngster, i smacked him around at every opportunity and he doesn't appear to be any worse for the wear.

7 feb 2012

he had a bit of a hero thing on.
she was a victim in waiting.
he was in search of a place to belong.
she would be his for the taking.

summer came early to newark that year.
sweaty warm beer at the shore.
he whispered such wonderful things in her ear.
the girls whispered easy and whore.

she's got her eye on a white dress and veil.
he's busy applying to college.
it's not any wonder which dream will prevail.
the outcome is just common knowledge.

he had a bit of a hero thing on.
she was a victim in waiting.
he was in search of a place to belong.
she would be his for the taking.

6 feb 2012

at the office i have a pile of paper - active lists, inactive lists, spreadsheets i've printed out and highlighted with a complexity requiring a legend, agendas with notes, agendas without notes, notes without agendas, documents in process, process documentation, things i need to remember, things i want to remember, things i'd like to forget but should probably remember - all confined to a 1" black looseleaf binder outfitted with plastic pockets. it's an appendix to my brain. a brainpendix. and so i have become loath(e?) to leave it at work. what if the place burned down, for crissakes! ergo friday last, i brought it home with me. being unused to having brought it home, when the time came to leave for work this morning, i left without my brainpendix. monday is Meeting Day so i was in a panic about my inadvertant brainpendectomy but then - ah! - i just grabbed a blank paper pad and strode into the Meeting and announced i was facing the day with a clean slate. turned out to be a quite succesful and, yes, admired method of facing Meeting Day. good thing it wasn't my actual brains i left at home, eh?

5 feb 2012

même la marionnette se sent un contact humain.

books 2012

current:
ford county stories
.....by john grisham

complete:
mockingjay
.....by suzanne collins
catching fire
.....by suzanne collins
the hunger games
.....by suzanne collins

4 feb 2012

i don't like umbrellas. i mean, the concept is solid - it's just the application that's wack. who wants to carry something like that around? outside in the rain or inside out of the rain - either way it's a pain. and, it's never as effective as you'd like - you end up wet despite your efforts.

what it comes down to is i really don't want to be a person who minds getting wet. well, not soaked or anything, but just car-to-building wet. i don't want to be worried about it -- don't want to have a hairstyle that can't get wet or clothes that would muss in the rain.

and i'm there, most days.

3 feb 2012

in the end it was a bogus dream.
the years did not mean anything.
she said he wasn't what he seemed.
he said the same of her.

she packed her bags and left that day.
around the block, not far away,
the kids and dog could come to stay
half their time with her.

the promise made - it wasn't kept.
a grown man closed his eyes and wept.
he'd go on with his life except,
he's still in love with her.

2 feb 2012

the problem about having connections to other people is how hard it becomes to destroy yourself. you start out in the beginning to fix yourself up a little bit of a life, but when the time comes that you realise you can't go on being who you have turned yourself into, well then you're trapped by those connections. it's not that you need those people anymore - hell, that's the whole point, you're done with them. but they need you to be you worse than you need to not be you anymore, and no matter how hard you try to disappear, they are not going to let you.

1 feb 2012

in this meeting, the tech guy mentioned something about "earl" which turned out to be how he says "url". (i do that, he said. i make up words.) he was talking about shortening earls for inclusion in a tweet, and he was going on about how [insert here something i wasn't listening to] shortens the earls. some website that tech-boi frequents allows you to access a shortened earl for sharing. i said that twitter does that for you. he said, no it doesn't.

what?

exactly.

okay, maybe he means if you want to use it somewhere besides twitter, right? so i asked if he meant something like tiny URL. he said, what? i said, TINY URL! turned out he heard me the first time but didn't understand. why? because he had never heard of tiny URL.

what??

exactly.

he started to talk about how this thing i was describing could not work because it would have to really, really, really shorten the earl to make it short enough for a tweet. okay, we're back to tweets which i already said twitter shortens URLs for you, but he remained with the talking, going on about how when you have a earl that had a lot of references that it would be impossible to shorten it because you would lose the references.

what???

exactly.

firstly, what the hell is a earl with references? but secondly, what i said to him was -- yes, that is precisely what tiny URL does, in fact that is what it was designed for, in fact that is its sole purpose for existence, and in fact that is its name. tiny URL. he said he didn't see how it was possible to shorten a earl with references. i said, they store your URL in a database and provide a short one that redirects to their database which supplies the long one and sends you on your way. he looked at me like i was from the future.

what????

exactly.