30 nov 2012

what
do you want to do
do you want to be
do you want to go be do be
what
do you want to be
do you want to do
do you want to be do go do
what
what do you want
do you want
do you want to go do
what
what do you want
do you want
do you want to go be
what
what
what do you want
do you want
do you
do you
do you
want to be

29 nov 2012

something's
gone.
something's
missing.
something's
off
in
my
head.
something's
not
where
i
left
it.
something
else
there
instead.

how
i
wish
i
would
tell
you
how
i
wish.
you
could
hear
how
i
wish.
to
be
with
you
how
you
wish,
is
too
near.

in
the
end
i
won't
tell,
and
in
the
end
you
won't
know,
for
in
the
end
when
it's
gone,
not
a
trace
left
to
show.

28 nov 2012

powerball lotto is up to a half billion dollars, so we purchased several chances to win. what would you do with half billion dollars?

i would:

tear down my current home and build one with a swimming pool in the basement, built in bookcases, window seats, walk in waterfall showers, and lots of extra bedrooms and toilet rooms with urinals.

buy some shoes and lots of books.

quit my job.

collect all the necessary equipment and get trained and then walk the entire appalachian trail. then i'd get me a "2184" oval for my audi.

oh, buy an audi. and, a motorcycle.

my biggest overall project would be to endow a program to send foster kids to summer sleepaway camp, and maybe i would take on a couple foster kids for myself. you know, if they wanted to hike the appy-t with me and whatnot.

what would YOU do?

27 nov 2012

if a picture is worth a thousand words,
what can i get for five?
a snip of a piece of a part of the whole.
a section a sliver a slice nothing more.
what can i get for five?

i am the castaway, you are the ship.
the sun to my moon, the butt to my hip.
you are the bicycle, i am the chain.
you will stay here, here i remain.

where is the bus stop, where is the bus.
why all the trouble, why all the fuss.
how will i get there, it's way across town.
don't worry, be happy, be smiling, don't frown.

if you are a painter, then why don't you paint.
put the brush down, don't be a saint.
if you dream in colour, then paint out your dreams.
some things are wonderful, some are just things.

if a picture is worth a thousand words,
what can i get for five?
a snip of a piece of a part of the whole.
a section a sliver a slice nothing more.
what can i get for five?

26 nov 2012

you don't have a corner on shit days.
we have all had a dog that died.
you don't have a corner on "workplace is fucked".
you'd get over it, if you tried.

one little thing that i said there,
and you jump all up in my grill.
i mean - one little thing about one little thing,
get over it, if you will.

how can i be so harsh now
knowing you've had a shit day?
it's a pretty safe bet that you won't read this blog.
(but i'm leaving it up, anyway.)








--- --- ----- --- --- -----
* note to those of you who DO read this blog -- it's not about that thing at the place with those people. it's about ANOTHER thing in ANOTHER place with ANOTHER people. everyone all up in my grill here, there, and everywhere like old mcdonald and his motherloving farm. *

also, i am not really happy with the end of 2nd verse.

25 nov 2012

doesn't matter how you spend it, the last day of vacation goes fast. even if you're sitting around, it speeds, but today i did a bunch of stuff - grocery shopping, laundry, cleaned the bathroom. no point in sitting around, watching the clock spin.

24 nov 2012

play me a song, my darlin'.
play me a song if you will.
play me a song, my darlin', my dear.
and i'll sing along with you.

pass me the jug, my darlin'.
pass me the jug if you will.
pass me the jug, my darlin', my dear.
and i'll drink along with you.

kiss my face, my darlin'.
kiss my face if you will.
kiss my face, my darlin', my dear.
and i'll kiss along with you.

play me a song, my darlin'.
pass me the jug if you will.
kiss my face, my darlin', my dear.
and i'll love along with you.

23 nov 2012

up for renewal by cathy alter, 320p non-fiction.

the pleasure of finding things out by richard feynman, 247p non-fiction.

320+247=567
750-567=183

-----------------------

swimming:

9/18/2012
9/11/2012
8/14/2012
7/7/2012
7/2/2012
7/1/2012
6/28/2012
6/27/2012
6/25/2012

that's 9.

-----------------------

as for running, i am at 875 for the year.

-----------------------

in order to reach my goals for this year, i must read 183 pages non-fiction, go swimming one time, and run 125 miles... in the next month.

sheesh. that is a bunch of work.

i hate goals.

22 nov 2012

thankfulness, à la maslow.

physiological? it would be difficult to be blathering in a blog were my physical needs not met, and of course - OF COURSE - i am grateful, but having never been deprived of food, shelter, clothing, or the like, i am sure my gratefulness falls pitifully short of adequate. to a great extent, i take these things for granted. so, for lack of a true gauge for proper thankfulness, i will be thankful for the fact of taking them for granted, for so thoroughly having been supplied with food, shelter, and clothing that i can take them for granted. i am grateful for this sense of entitlement because it's a symptom of my having been so well cared for by the universal caregiver.

safety? again, i have an abundance of this. acts of violence that touch my life are random. i don't fear every time i enter publix to purchase craft beers, sea-salt pita chips, and flavoured chap sticks that a suicide bomber will drive a truck through the produce section. i don't live in a war zone. my financial security is sound. i have health insurance and life insurance. i am grateful that i live in safety, that my well-being is secure, to the extent that i don't have to consider it at all most days.

love and belonging? maslow pairs these, but they're not precisely the same in my book. i feel a strong sense of belonging on my soccer team, but that's not love. i'd say it's a sliding scale, from larger groups to smaller groups to one-on-one relationships. maybe that's what he meant? anyway, i am grateful for a place to belong and for people that understand me, although i don't experience this need very strongly. a little intimacy goes a long way.

esteem? maslow divides esteem into lower and higher - the higher esteem is the one for which we have a higher need. "lower esteem" is respect from others - recognition, fame, prestige. "higher esteem" is self-respect - strength, competence, mastery, independence. the irony of esteem is that when we try to build it in another, we actually tear it down. esteem is something we have to build for ourselves. i am thankful for the people in my life who've allowed me, instructed me, inspired me, encouraged me to build esteem in myself.

self-actualisation? although i'm far from perfect, i am grateful to be in a lifespace where i can focus on being my best self, giving my best efforts. i'm grateful for the opportunity to fulfill my potential. i don't believe we're given talents and gifts and advantages and blessings only to squander them. i believe there is a purpose that is larger than us, larger than our understanding, and that we are each created with a unique role, and that the only way for the whole thing to work is for each of us to play our part. so - i'm grateful to be able to pull my weight, turn my cog, do my part by simply being fully me.

21 nov 2012

we've just been to see the movie 'lincoln'. i knew the history in a sketchy, schoolbook way, and i followed the screenplay's political machinations about as well as i ever follow that sort of thing, but what struck me - really struck me - was the way the folks portrayed on the screen thought deeply before they spoke, listened closely one to another, and allowed consistently those courtesies to all with whom they interacted. is simple mutual respect so antiquated as to be relegated to the past?

20 nov 2012

so we went down to our local for writers night because this guy we know was going to be singing his whatnots. he was there with two other people, and they were all three good, and it was entertaining in the whole. during the show, a group of a dozen or so folks were seated right near us and contrary to the entire room's focus on the stage, this group just chattychatchatted right along and along. one woman in particular was apparently unable to in any way stem the tide of vocalisation emanating from her pie hole. she talked, and talked. then, she talked some more. was it quiet conversation with her companions? no. it was performance conversation for the benefit of her entire table. her entire demeanor was annoying like an ice pick in the brain, but then she went - "oh, yes. you can see this very thing just every night around here. songwriters perform their songs and people like these you see here come out to listen." it was then i realised she believed herself to be in a zoo of some sort, so i stood on the table and flung poo at her.



(or, maybe i just thought that would be funny.)

19 nov 2012

sure, sure, ask it again.
ask it again.
ask your selfsame damn question again.
and ask it again. and again. and again.
because you don't listen to anyone else,
because you can't shut up your damn ugly mouth,
because you refuse to accept that i told you the truth
when i told you before
and told you before
and told you before and before and before.
and, over and over and over again
we're on the same carousel we've always been.
when anyone else
would just save their self,
you look through my eyes,
and quiet my mind,
and just when i'm still,
i still know you will,
ask it again.

18 nov 2012

you can learn a lot about a person if you try to accomplish something together with them in just one day - about their true character, i mean. what makes them tick, how hard they'd work to earn something, their capacity for empathy, their ability to stick to goals, how they support themselves and support their companions, what they're willing to sacrifice to get something they profess to want. you learn who can stay happy, who's a whiner, who is focused, who wanders off track. you learn who can think of conversation topics and who can make up a song out of any circumstance. you learn who looks up at the trees and who looks down at the ground. you can learn a lot about a person if you try to accomplish something together with them in just one day.

17 nov 2012

she wasn't the one
that he thought
that she was,
and he wasn't
what she'd thought of
either.
but when the time came
they remained there
because
there was no other place
for them
either.

16 nov 2012

earlier this week, i got one of those bundle packs of kleenex, three boxes, which i took to work. one for my desk, one for my locker, one for... well, why not share them? well, that sounds like a super idea. well, okay! so, i put them on the shelf beside the mirror in the locker room. wonderful! later that day, i came through on my way to going running, and the kleenex were gone. eh, what? gone? gone?!

i left a note:
seriouly?? you took _all_ the kleenex? seriously?!"

and, i went for a run. when i returned, i saw the kleenex were replaced, and this note had been left:
apologies... didn't see a note that said "only one please" or for "everyone". stuff left out is normally a sign for someone to take because you don't want.

um... no it's not. it is normally a sign for all to share. i mean, maybe if it were like... i don't know. like, a single something, then fine, it's for taking. but a whole box? that's clearly to SHARE.

right?

15 nov 2012

this evening my dearly beloved and i went to have thanksgiving supper with my 98yo grandmother, at the nursing home where she lives. i don't like nursing homes, mostly for the obvious reasons such as it smells like pee and nursing home food sucks. i don't like old people, either. they smell like pee, too, but mostly i don't like old people because you can't carry on a conversation with them. they're either talking about the past or living in the past or talking about living in the past or they're deaf. i like to have conversations with people who do the conversational heavy lifting.

so, we got there and made our way to the dining room. she was waiting on us, but then didn't seem to realise who we were, but then called us by our appropriate respective names several different times over the course of the hour or so we were there. she also called us various other names, thought we were other people, and introduced us as her cousins (which we're not). we talked about several things, pretty much simultaneously, because she'd say one thing and then sort of lose her place or struggle for a word or a thought and finish up with an unrelated tidbit, or else taper off into something resembling dutch. when i could, i volunteered words, which occasionally found purchase in her ancient cerebrum and brought gratitude to her eyes.

the two items she was able to communicate most effectively, with clarity and emotion, were her frustration over her inability to communicate more widely and her humiliation at being physically weak. she told us about a recent fall (which i knew separately to be fact) with what was unmistakably anger. i asked her, was she hurt. she said, no. i said, did it hurt her pride. she looked right at me - right in my eyes, and said, yes.

so.

who here's looking forward to getting old, raise your hand.

14 nov 2012

in the same day i --

-- heard this in a radio interview with keith richards on NPR:

RICHARDS: I actually have no doubt. I can play "Street Fighting Man" and "Jumping Jack Flash" on stage and "Brown Sugar" and, you know, those kind of rockers. And they're kind of like Maseratis or Ferraris. You had the chassis. And now, you, like, remodel the body, you know? And they're always interesting to play. You're not playing the same thing ever with the songs like that. There's no, like, de rigueur, you know? Sorry, I've just come back from Paris.

-- heard this in a video interview with kyle merber from a link received in email:

MERBER: Things happen in races and circumstances change and you have to adjust your goals a bit and you have to be ready. When your vision of how a race is going to go changes, you have to change your mindset.

-- read this in a transcript of an interview with richard feyman:

FEYNMAN: I don't know what would have happened if I had thought about it. I may have decided to continue anyway, I don't know. But the point of not thinking about it when the original conditions that made the original decision had changed, that's a mistake.

---

feyman is talking about not rethinking his decision to work on the manhattan project after the original motivation of defeating the nazis was no longer in play. he talks about it quite a bit and says he's not sure he would have changed his mind. he goes on to say he is not sure that - at that time - he would have considered continuing a mistake, and he is not sure - even now - that continuing was in fact a mistake. it's not the continuing per se that he regrets. it was the not stopping to think, to even evaluate new information, that he considers a mistake.

merber is talking about a cross country race. sometimes you'll head out to race, and something will happen that changes everything. he talks about a race he'd just competed in, like the week before, where a runner in front of him tripped and he was among quite a few runners caught in the ensuing pileup. he describes the different ways that he and his teammates got up and brushed themselves off and kept going. he did consider the new information, so he didn't regret not considering it (as feyman did), but from the sound of it, he wasn't particularly happy with his response, seemed to think he could have done better somehow.

richards is talking about playing the same songs night after night for the million years he's been playing those same songs. he doesn't speak about recognising new inputs and weighing them. he doesn't speak about choosing a response based on the available information. he talks about something more instinctive, something simpler, rawer. it's like an osmosis of the inputs and development of a response all in one fell swoop, a synthesis so natural to him that he does it over and over again, night after night, chord after chord, without even thinking about it at all. he's not working, he's playing.

so, there's something here. something about immersion and decision making, about being so attuned to the circumstances that new inputs are merely nuances in the whole cloth. something also about thinking versus doing, about overthinking versus just doing. sure, these are three completely different circumstances, three completely different men. but... still... there's something here.

13 nov 2012

when i read THIS POST, i knew i had to go there. i mean, the geographical there, not the philosophical there. not that the philosophical there isn't a great place, because it is, but in this case-case, i mean the place-place. i mean, the TRACK.

it was the picture that did it for me. who wouldn't want to go there? wide open! bright views! round-ish red rubber running surface!

when i was in junior high school, i was on the track team. i distinctly remember two things about being on the track team: (1) being on the track team and (2) running the 4x100 relay, once. so, maybe i wasn't actually on the team? but, i distinctly remember being on the team... and there's the reality of the 4x100m NIGHTMARE. oh, you want to hear the story? fine. goes something like this:

the 4x100 relay is 4 people each running 100m. oh, you knew that already? WHO'S TELLING THIS STORY?? okay. 4x100. it's like one loop of the track split between 4 people. coach put me as the anchor leg. woo! fast girl! whatever. by the time my painfully pathetic team managed to accomplish 3/4 circuit of the track, the other teams were all done. that's right, that's what i said - crossed the line, broke the tape, stick a fork in 'em - DONE. so, let's all watch pathetic team's anchor leg run 100m alone! A-L-OWN. and, i did. i swallowed my pride and my tears and i ran.

that's the last time i stepped foot on a track.

okay, not really. i've been on a track here and there. tagging along on other people's workouts. running on a track because it was convenient to someplace else. stepping across a track to get to the soccer field in the middle. but, i've not actually on purpose gone to the track to do a workout myself.

tangentially, remember THAT POST? well, in order to condense this already absurdly long post i have going, please refer to that post and substitute "running" for "swimming". rules, angst, blah, blah, blah. ace is a bundle of issues and cannot go do the simplest thing without turning it into a Really Big Deal. so, the other day, i jogged around the route to get to the track. and, i also drove over there. and, i mapped it. and, i asked someone for directions. good god, woman! and, that's not even to mention the anxiety about what the hell is a 400m and how the hell am i supposed to run 10 of them?!?

what? i didn't explain that part? well - this really great guy helped me out with instructions for an easy workout even i could handle. i only had like, a couple dozen questions (as opposed to my usual couple dozen MILLION) and this time, most of them i managed to keep to myself.

long story short - i got to the track. there were not so many people there that i thought they'd be totally staring at me and pointing and laughing, but there were enough people that i didn't feel like i was in the wrong place. i did the workout, and you know what? oh, you know... you know you know. and, i know you know you know.

what??

it wasn't bad at all. it was actually sort of fun, if you know what i mean. hmm... like, working hard can be fun? right? okay, it was fun like that. and, by the time i got DONE, i sort of halfway felt like maybe i could belong there, on that roundish red rubber running surface. maybe. in the future. if i keep trying.

12 nov 2012

so far,
we're good.
so far,
we are right on track.
right on,
right on track.
keep on,
no going back.
we are -
right on track.

we are where we're meant to be.
we are.
we are where we're meant to be.
we are.
we are.

so far,
we're good.
so far,
we are right on track.
right on,
right on track.
keep on,
no going back.
we are -
right on track.

we are where we're meant to be.
we are.
we are where we're meant to be.
we are.
we are.

so far,
we're good.
so far,
we are right on track.
right on,
right on track.
keep on,
no going back.
we are -
right on track.

we are where we're meant to be.
we are.
we are where we're meant to be.
we are.
we are.

so far,
we're good.
so far,
we are right on track.
right on,
right on track.
keep on,
no going back.
we are -
right on track.

we are where we're meant to be.
we are.
we are where we're meant to be.
we are.
we are.

so far,
we're good.
so far,
we are right on track.
right on,
right on track.
keep on,
no going back.
we are -
right on track.

we are where we're meant to be.
we are.
we are where we're meant to be.
we are.
we are.

so far,
we're good.
so far,
we are right on track.
right on,
right on track.
keep on,
no going back.
we are -
right on track.

we are where we're meant to be.
we are.
we are where we're meant to be.
we are.
we are.

we are.

11 nov 2012

able-
bodied
citizens
(denizens)
every
following
gundeman
has
idealogical
jetsam -
keeling
local
masterdom
nobly
over
pasturedom.
quiring,
realms
severed
treblly,
undo
valence -
willingly.
xanthic
(yellow)
zygology.

10 nov 12

blink
blank
blink
blank

signal
blink
street
blank

blink
blank
blink
blank

cursor
blink
screen
blank

blink
blank
blink
blank

light
blink
line
blank

blink
blank
blink
blank

eye
blink
mind
blank

blink
blank
blink
blank

blink
blank
blink
blank

blink

blank


blank



blank

9 nov 2012

i'll tell you about my running programme some other time. alls you need to know right now is that i don't run on fridays. usually i work out on fridays -- some light aerobic warmup plus a bit of stretching, core work, throw some tiny barbells around the fitness centre. but... some days i do not workout. today was one of those days. instead, i participated in one of my favourite occasional activities: walk down to the local grocery and buy a few whatnots. i only do this occasionally because it's no fun if you do it all the time.

the local grocery is one of those trader-joe-wannabe pretentious organic messpots. however? i enjoy that? occasionally. so i grabbed my reusable bag and trotted on down to the messpot grocery.

what's cool about that place is they've got some wacky shizzle. for instance - juniper berry soda? that's wacky. (it's behind the pear.) ginger mints in dragon-picture-emblazoned tin? wac-k-k-y. the brown paper sack is coffee and although coffee per se is not wacky, this is from a local company and the flavour is called "ridgetop roast". that has a ring to it, don't you think? ridgetop roast. sort of wacky.

of course, you can see there on the left, the maple pecan bars. they were about $5 per box, which seems high to me. is that high? are you high? anyway, maple. nuff said. yogurt is of course a tiny-fridger staple. i keep them way too long and eat them when they're way past their expiry dates. they're better that way... makes my coat shiny.

and, finally, some lime flavoured sparkling water and blue corn chips. not exactly out of the ordinary, but undeniably yumalicious. oh, and the pear. it was really very good and although billed as "organic" it wasn't all shrivelly like organic produce usually gets.

all this cost $25. is that high? are you high? it's not about the cost, though. it's about the adventure.

7 nov 2012

i was fixing to do a rewrite but immediately bashed into the wall of boredom. ouch. however, to answer your question... um... irish appalachian? maybe? you know, softer around the edges and longer on the vowels. think jennifer nettles, only palatable.

on the way home this evening, i thought of something i really wanted to talk to you about. guess what? that's right I FORGOT.

however.

there was a story on NPR about hidden racist remarks made during the recent presidential campaign. for example, after the first debate, former senator john sununu said pres obama was "lazy and detached". now, i missed this whole brouhaha, but apparently there was quite an outcry about this being a racist remark. really? i mean, did you see the first debate? um... mr-O didn't really exhibit what you would call 'energy' per se. he did seem detached. lazy? mmmmmaybe? although 'lazy' implies an intentionality that i am not sure was present. like, just tired you can't help that, but lazy you can help, you know? so, not 100% sure i would have said lazy, but okay, i can see it is one possible description. but i do think someone will need to explain to me why it is racist.

6 nov 2012

i sort of like to vote on election day, mix it up with the crowds and whatnot, but this time i was just like... well, sort of like - yawn. i mean, not 'yawn' about the election per se because damn, that's exciting, i'nt it? just yawn about mixing it up with the crowds. so, i went early and mixed it up with the minicrowd, and it was just the right amount of unyawn.

now, here are my questions:

why do they wait 10 days to count provisionals?

does anybody [besides sweet baby james] really get the electoral college?

why blue donkeys? why red elephants?

what ever happened to the whigs?

how many people really vote? did you vote?

why don't we vote by email like they did in new jersey?

how can they project the winner off <3% of the returns?

would you have voted for millard fillmore?

what is the purpose of the penny?

will charlie brown ever succeed in kicking the football?

where does the wind come from?

how did the leopard get her spots?

and finally... why can't we all get along?

5 nov 2012

hey -
don't be crying.
all of the flapjacks are gone.
you can't have another.
ask your sister and your brother -
all of the flapjacks are gone.

hey -
don't be crying.
all of the bangers are gone.
you can't have another.
ask your sister and your brother -
all of the bangers are gone.

hush -
crying baby.
all of the breakfast are gone.
you can't have no more,
so just get off the floor.
all of the breakfast are gone.

hey -
don't be crying.
all of the milktoast are gone.
you can't have another.
ask your sister and your brother -
all of the milktoast are gone.

hey -
don't be crying.
all of the berries are gone.
you can't have another.
ask your sister and your brother -
all of the berries are gone.

hush -
crying baby.
all of the breakfast are gone.
you can't have no more,
so just get off the floor.
all of the breakfast are gone.

hey -
don't be crying.
all of the porridge are gone.
you can't have another.
ask your sister and your brother -
all of the porridge are gone.

hey -
don't be crying.
all of the rashers are gone.
you can't have another.
ask your sister and your brother -
all of the rashers are gone.

hush -
crying baby.
all of the breakfast are gone.
you can't have no more,
so just get off the floor.
all of the breakfast are gone.

4 nov 2012

what do you want me to say
do you want me to say
do you want me to say
say say say
what do you want me to say
do you want me to say
do you want me to say
say say say

i am asking right now
i am asking today
i am asking today
day day day
i am asking right now
i am asking today
i am asking today
day day day

what
do
you
want
me
to
say
to
me
want
you
to
say

do you want me to say
do you want me to say
do you want me to say

2 nov 2012

in the aftermath of superstorm sandy, i have become curious about staten island. they're calling it the forgotten island and i thought that was just because of the difficulty the residents are having getting help cleaning up after the superstorm, but it turns out, the moniker's nothing new. staten island has apparently been a sort of step-child all its life. in my limited research, i learned that the island was once... well, not too long ago really... farmland. like - real farmland. i am certain that before the invention of refrigerated trucks in the early 1950s, the food had to be cultivated a lot closer to the consumer than it is now.

my, how the world has changed.

1 nov 2012

she wasn't there when they found him
cause she'd left him to fall where he would.
she waited by the door with a gun in her hand,
and she shot him just because she could.

on the whole, he wasn't a bad man.
he was a solid man. he was good.
still, to her he was nothing but a stranger,
and she shot him just because she could.

the sheriff never arrested the shooter
cause he never asked questions he should,
but two things he knew: that he loved her...
and she shot him just because she could.