13 apr 2012

i knew i had the whole evening to myself so i had big plans to sit around watching merlins and eating cheez-its. on the way home i was like - yeah, this is gonna be great, little sumsum on teevee, little cheez-it ack-shone...

then, the voice spoke.

actually, it just sort of whispered. "you could clean the bathrooms, you know." i was all like - shut up, voice. and it was like, "well, you could, you know." so i turned away and pretended like i didn't hear it, but it came up from the other side. "you Really Should clean the bathrooms." should? Should?! what the hell happened to "could"? when did could become should??

i was all like - SHUT UP, VOICE!

but by now it could see it had me rattled. the voice can smell work ethic a mile away. "if you clean the bathrooms, you will enjoy the television show more because you will feel a sense of accomplishment. pluswise, i will keep bugging you until you do it." pluswise? hell, now the voice is all up in my lingo! but i knew it was right. i knew it would never leave me alone until i did the task, and even if doing the task itself wouldn't heighten my enjoyment of television-time, shutting up the voice sure the hell would.

so i did it.

i scrubbed the sinks and the tubs and the toilets and the floors. i cleaned the mirrors and faucets, shook out the rugs, emptied the trash, wiped off the freaking window sills for goshsakes. i was nearly done and starting to think about cheez-it-fest2012 when the voice goes - "ahem" and i was like - LAH LAH LAH CLEANING IS FUN LAH LAH LAH!!! "ahem." LAAAAAH LAAAAAH LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!

"you could vacuum, you know."

what the hell, voice! i worked all day at the office. you remember the office - it's the place where you're always with "wipe the coffee pot" and "reload the paper tray" and "answer the phone". i worked all day, voice. leave me alone!

"you should vacuum. you always vacuum when you clean the bathrooms. vacuuming will complete the task."

well, jeez, voice. wonder why i always vacuum when i clean the bathrooms?? could it be your annoying self with your annoying suggestions? huh? could it? huh huh huh??? "you should vacuum." mthrfckng voice. why don't YOU vacuum if it's such a great idea, eh?? "you sho--" FINE! fine fine finefinefineiwillvacuumifyouwillshutthehellUP!!!!

so i vacuumed.

when i got done and put away the vacuum and came in the kitchen to get the cheez-its, the voice saw all the dishes in the sink but i was too quick for it. i grabbed the cheez-its and ran.








(but... i do feel pretty good about having cleaned the bathrooms. just don't tell the voice, that self-righteous bastard.)