post the thirty-fifth, 2013

it has been a while since i've flown. the last trip i took was to houston, and i was there when grenouille was born (in another city), so that's nearly 5 years. since the last time i'd been through, the local aeroport has remodeled the security passthrough. where formerly there were two sort of casual lines, there are now four very official clearance areas. looks like our little aeroport is all grown up. today i arrived at in plenty of time to go through security twice. i declined to give up my water - i drank it - but still had to go around again (and i was not even wearing a hat, party or otherwise).

after i passed the second go-round, i took the long hike to the gate, and found the time to be 6:08am. flight leaves at... 7:30. what the hell. i parked the car at close to 5:30, took the shuttle, traversed security twice, walked to the other end of the giant field of tarmac that is this aeroport - all in 40 minutes?? i settled down to wait. waited. twice lugged my stuff (carry-ons not looking so great now, eh what?) to the restroom, restroomed, returned to seat, contemplated getting food, decided not to.

around 7:00, they told us the flight would board 15 mins late, and it did, and after we'd boarded, they told us we'd leave 15 mins late, and we did. but we had a hella tailwind and arrived too soon. i know this because the pilot said we'd be making our descent, and we descended a bit, and the flight attendants all buckled in, and then we leveled out for quite a while and the flight attendants kept getting up and checking stuff and strapping back in. finally, we descended for real.

since i did not have to visit the baggage carousel, i went straight to hotel shuttles (did not pass go). the nice port authority lady dialed me up a "shared transport" (stretch hummer? not so much.) and booked me a seat. easy peasy. again, i contemplated snacking but... HEY - all the food is on the other side of security!

okay, fine, i'll be fine. almost there, right?

they call my number and i get on the shuttle. not surprisingly, when it's time to pay the guy is all... oh, the visa machine is broken, must pay cash, cash, cash. OKAY I HEAR YOU BUDDY CASH CASH. paid, got a receipt, and i thought we were finally on our way, but no. we pulled up to another area and picked up another passenger. she got in and plopped down in the seat and the driver is like... pay? oh, no - she won't be paying because she purchased a voucher online.

whaaaat?

she is determined not to pay. he is determined she will pay. back and forth, forth and back... until - she is dialing up the online place where she purchased the voucher and fussing at them. still, we are sitting at the aeroport! i said to the driver, give me a refund, i am getting off this crazy tram. he was like, uh... then he called dispatch and dispatch said go so we went. good that i didn't have to hassle with finding another ride but bad that i am still with crazy cash man.

we circle around and leave the aeroport, hit the freeway, and he rolls down the driver window. i mean, rolls DOWN. all the way DOWN. it's like 4ºc, which in fahrenheit is OMG! wind, drizzle, and 4ºc air? srsly??

take an exit and we're busting down the streets of the city. there is snow and slush and water and ice everywhere so of course there are a ton of pedestrians walking in front of cars (as is their wont) and bicycles everywhere. bicycles? oh, sure, who doesn't bicycle in traffic in the snow? and, of course, with all the pedestrians and cyclists, my shuttle driver is being extra cautious, right? HAHAHAH! if by "extra cautious" you mean, "so oblivious as to apparently be high", then sure.

maybe he is trying to make up for lost time, but he is becoming increasingly maniacal. have you seen "harry potter and the prisoner of azkaban"? if so, then you'll know what i mean when i say my driver pulls a between-two-cars move that would make ol' ernie proud. following along on my iphone, i know we are getting tantalizingly close to our (i know it is mutual) goal of getting me to my destination. then, we come around a corner and, in the street we are supposed to go down - four flares are stuck into the street. i mean, they are STUCK into the ASPHALT and down the street you can see all these emergency vehicles, and there we are on the cusp of mowing down the flares and taking our chances, and at this point, i am completely caught up in the crazy and i am thinking - let's go, man, just tell 'em you didn't see the flares!

as i am dealing with the dual disappointment that we're now moving away from my destination and that i could possibly be crazier than crazy tram man... as my need for a snack is becoming full blown hunger... as i am despairing of this trip ever being over...

lady-no-pay in the backseat begins to hum.