post the eighty-third, 2013

I was dreaming of tomorrow so I sacrificed today,
And it sure was a grand waste of time.
And despite all the truth that's been thrown in my face,
I just can't get you out of my mind.

But I've got to begin again,
Though I don't know how start.
Yes, I've got to begin again,
And it's hard.

that's from a song by billy joel. it's called "got to begin again" and i am sure you can find it on itunes or youtube or someplace. the inimitable mr joel is no doubt discussing a woman here, an ended love affair, but his words describe the way i feel about running right now, better than any words of i've succeeded in generating on my own.

preparing for a marathon requires sacrificing today for tomorrow, but training for a run isn't unique. studying for a degree is the same. saving for a vacation or to purchase a car. working to get ahead in a career. it's obvious with the big stuff, but we make choices all day long, and by nature, choices involve dichotomies from which we select something and necessarily decline something else.

the key is in the second line here, "and it sure was a grand waste of time." ouch. the thing about training for a marathon is that when it doesn't work out the way we'd like, it's easy to dismiss all the time spent training as a waste of time. i really don't believe that it's possible to train for marathon after marathon with only the marathon in mind. you've got to enjoy the training or you simply wouldn't be able to withstand the sacrifice. so? so - the training i did for the marathon i just ran was not an actual waste of time because it resulted in my increased fitness and it paid off in immediate enjoyment -- i enjoyed most every run along the way. however, it feels like a waste of time because i didn't get the end result i wanted.

not getting that particular end result, the one i wanted, that's "the truth that's been thrown in my face" and mr joel has the right of it here. it's not possible to deny something that's thrown in your face. now, for my part, i do have to wonder what is the truth with which i am being assaulted. am i a 5-hour marathoner who needs to come to terms with that, or am i a 4-hour marathoner who hasn't found the right combination of circumstances?

it chokes me up every time i think about it, so i am trying not to spend too much time thinking about it, but "i just can't get [it] out of my mind". i feel like this was my chance at a 4-hour marathon and i blew it. i chose to play soccer while training and the overload on my body resulted in tendinitis which caused me not to reach my marathon goal. but then, i love soccer. would i have been happy not playing, putting everything into marathon training... and what then, if it still didn't pan out? it's circular, see. if i'd sacrificed soccer for running, and running still managed to betray me, i'd regret having sacrificed soccer, but if i don't put soccer on hold, and running suffers, then i regret that choice. as it is, i have to process the choices i did make, come to terms with what i've done.

and that's where i am now, and amid all the thoughts swirling in my head, i am certain of one thing: "i've got to begin again." i have to start running again -- it's just too much a part of who i am -- but again mr joel is dead on because "i don't know how to start." i mean, sure, i can go for a run tomorrow. that's not what i mean. what i really mean is, what's next -- another marathon? some other running goal? something else altogether, weight lifting, swimming, yoga?

in the concluding piece, i like how mr joel selected the conjunction "and" instead of "but" -- i have to do this thing AND it is difficult, i am destined AND it's hard. no excuses. no whining. no buts.

Yes, I've got to begin again,
And it's hard.

and, i will do it anyway.